A Diagnosis, a Decision, and the Inner Voice I Couldn’t Ignore

In February, I received a diagnosis that left me super grateful to August 2024 Nat for knowing and trusting herself.

I’ve been rather quiet this year, and, truth be told, I found myself somewhat lost for words, which is highly unusual. It wasn’t that I had writer’s block and more that I’ve been in such a scary, vulnerable place that I needed to conserve my energies for a while and not put myself under pressure to help or ‘be wise’ or ‘be visible’ with snippets from my life.

Writing, for me, is so personal, and there was something about typing words versus, say, talking on The Baggage Reclaim Sessions podcast, that made me clam up. It was as if writing about anything other than what felt like the horror I was experiencing was self-betrayal. I wasn’t ready then, but I am now.

In early February, I went for my routine four-week follow-up appointment for my op. I’d had a total hysterectomy due to fibroids and an enlarged uterus. My initial recovery, between my needing a blood transfusion and three rounds of antibiotics at the time (eventually four), had been bumpy to say the least, but it felt like I was turning a corner.

This might sound woo to some, but I remember being in the car on the way to the appointment. As usual, Em left it a bit on the wire 👀 to set off rather than my preferred leave early, so I was feeling a bit antsy about being late.

At the roundabout, I spotted the car on our right and it had ‘LUE’ (my maiden name) in the license plate, and I remember thinking, Hmm, I wonder what that means? It’s a little sign, nudge, I’ve paid attention to ever since Dad died eight years ago.

As it turns out, my consultant was running late, so I’m glad I calmed myself. But I knew something was off; I just couldn’t put my finger on it. I felt it when I walked into my consultant’s office.

Less than an hour later, I was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer, endometrial stromal sarcoma. They’d examined and tested what they’d removed, and one of what they’d assumed were fibroids turned out to be a tumour. Thankfully, they caught the cancer early (the surgery I’d already had was the initial solution), and I found out two-and-a-half hellish weeks later that it hasn’t spread. However, due to the type, I have to be monitored closely for the next ten years, initially with scans every three months.

Here’s what I thought about within moments of the diagnosis and then every day since: Last August, almost five months into giving myself space to weigh the options given to me by my consultant and arrive at a decision naturally, I woke up one morning and heard myself within say, “I think I need to have a hysterectomy.” Cool, calm and resonant, my inner voice surprised me.

A few months before, just hearing mention of the potential of a hysterectomy scared the bejaysus out of me, and I’d viewed it as an unlikely option. Yet here was my inner voice telling me loud and clear that it’s what was needed. So I listened because I do know myself in this regard, and when my inner voice pipes up like that, I heed and trust it. I don’t eff about.

And that trusting and listening even though it was the scary, uncomfortable, not-necessarily-what-someone-else-would-do thing likely saved my life.

I think we give ourselves a hard time about how we’ve handled things in the past and also for not being able to predict the future.

I think I really screwed [that past thing] up, so why should I trust myself?

What if I leave this shady/unfulfilling relationship and they spontaneously combust into The Perfect Partner years down the road?

What if I leave this job or stop doing this thing and it’s ‘wrong’ because I don’t like how it turns out?

How can I make a decision when I don’t know what the future holds?

What we don’t do often enough is thank past versions of ourselves who made tough, sometimes ‘unwanted’ decisions that way up the road, where we have the benefit of the vantage point of being able to look back, took care of us. We don’t even realise what we’re sparing ourselves from and opening ourselves up to, but we can if we allow us to tune in, trust, and be known to ourselves.

If you’d like to hear more about how I came to my decision — and some of the signposts along the way — check out episode 291 of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions.