“Argh, What Have I Done?”: Knowing when doubt’s in the building
If you’ve made what feels like a whopper of a decision, you’ve likely experienced the equivalent of buyer’s remorse, where you wonder what on earth you’ve done and wonder if you can undo your decision
If you’ve made what feels like a whopper of a decision, you’ve likely experienced the equivalent of buyer’s remorse, where you wonder what on earth you’ve done and wonder if you can undo your decision. You’re in that transitional phase between having made the decision and being on the other side of it and further down the road where the “results” and implications are no longer “unknown”.
The likelihood is that if you’re reading this, you know that I recently decided to end my podcast, The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, after 278 episodes and, after over seventeen-and-a-half years, to stop updating the Baggage Reclaim blog.
It was an overdue decision; I’d sensed it for a while, but it finally crystallised and the momentum kicked in right on time. Even though I’d announced it on the second-last episode and in my newsletter, listening back to the final episode as I got ready to publish it caused me to break down in tears. I acknowledged that even the right decisions come packaged with grief.
And then, a couple of days later, my head got busy with anxious inner critic thoughts.
What have you done? No, seriously, what the feck have you done?
What if you’ve just blown up your life and it all goes tits up? What are you going to do then, huh? Huh?
What if no one is interested in you if you’re not Natalie Baggage Reclaim anymore?
How could you give up your platform when you have a book to sell?
Jaysus, what if no one wants to read your Substack?
Are you smoking crack?
Why d’ya have to be a big baby about things?
Maybe you gave up too soon.
Maybe if you’d figured out the right tactics and strategies and been willing to sales funnel the shit out of everything, you could have kept going.
Is it that you just needed to try harder? Maybe you’re just not good enough.
And on it rumbled until I switched into ‘observer mode’ and tried to sit alongside the thoughts and feelings instead of being in the midst of and believing I am them.
I quickly noticed how anxious I felt in my body, including shortness of breath and like my brain had gone into overload. I acknowledged that fear, anxiety, doubt, and even a little shame had come up and that I’m grieving and waaaay out of my comfort zone.
Baggage Reclaim is the longest thing I’ve ever stuck with. I started writing it when I was 28 (I started blogging at 27), and I’m 45 now. Given this, I think it’s okay to have doubts, but I also don’t need to feed or become my doubts.
Doubt needs reassurance, which comes from knowing yourself and being in the present. Where relevant, doubts might also require you to take action.
I get why the fear, doubt, anxiety, etc., kicked in—pressing publish on the podcast’s final episode made it real. And what’s real is that I’m in the unknown.
Our bodies prefer the familiar over the unknown, even if it’s a painful, uncomfortable, or unfulfilling familiar.
That’s why, even though, deep down, we know that we need to end an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship or that it’s time to let go of something or make a necessary change, we sometimes knee-jerk our way back into the familiar. We start to convince ourselves that maybe it wasn’t “that bad” and that we’ve exaggerated our unhappiness or been too fanciful with our needs and desires. We might convince ourselves that we have to have it all figured out right now, this minute.
Argh, what have I done?, we panic.
And, in that moment, if we focus purely on the fear and what we might perceive as the “negative”, we forget to acknowledge what we’ve actually done.
“Argh, what have I done?”, might be answered with…
Trusted and chosen myself.
Stop ignoring, dismissing, and overriding myself.
Got out of my own way.
Let go of or changed something I’ve been unhappy with for some time.
Made space for something else.
Honoured my needs and values, which means I’ve also respected my boundaries and bandwidth.
Chosen to stop telling and writing the same old negative story about myself.
Told myself and life the truth so I could stop lying and let my body and life get in sync with me.
Stopped trying to hog up someone else’s or even everyone else’s responsibility.
Stopped trying to control the uncontrollable.
Given myself a chance to be, do and have something else.
You could also respond to doubt with a factual summary of your decision.
e.g. After settling for less, including shady treatment and lack of commitment, I’ve ended it with my ex and chosen myself and temporary discomfort over feeling like shit and letting myself be used for the sake of saying I “have” someone.
OR
e.g. I’ve been unhappy with my career/job for years, and I’ve got savings to see me through X months. I will not be living in a cardboard box within a week if I quit my job. And it isn’t a fluke that I have this career/job in the first place, and I will find something else.
OR
e.g. I ended the podcast and blog after 278 episodes and 1900+ posts respectively. They’re still there, I’m proud of the work I’ve made, and I’m also ready to do something else.
Handy hint: You will feel bad if you’re telling yourself untrue stories about something. Whereas when you tell yourself the truth, you get to release painful feelings and gradually start to feel better about yourself. This also means that knowing yourself means being more emotionally honest and feeling your feelings.
Paid subscribers, I’ll be sharing 5 questions to help you recognise your doubt pattern and the 8 types of inner critic and how they influence the types of doubt you have and how you feel about yourself in response to them.