December's Hard Passes and Happy Yeses
December involved abandoning best laid plans, releasing anxiety, and keeping myself drama free by minding my own business.
At the end of each month, I share some of my hard passes and happy yeses for that month, including insight into what’s behind them or the aftermath. I hope it will encourage some of you to share yours, too.
Hard Pass
Forcing myself to keep up with my past self’s plans
You know how sometimes you can feel a bit wrecked or low motivation but you crack on and start to feel energised? Yeah, that mostly wasn’t happening for me this month. Between the festive season and upcoming surgery that will take a few months’ recovery, October and November Nat had lots of plans and high hopes for December. Instead, a cycle of illnesses ripped through our house from mid-November that left me feeling off kilter and knackered. And, of course, my brain was like But what about all the things you need to do? and If you don’t do all of this stuff, how are you going to make 2024 count? I fretted about finances and disappointing people.
After briefly attempting to keep up with my past self’s plans, I had to say no and re-assess. I think sometimes we forget that we make plans and decisions with the best of the knowledge and our understanding of the circumstances that we have at that time. But things shift, and we need to take in new information and, where applicable, make adjustments.
There can also be a part of us that looks back at the year and goes, Weeeellll, that was a bit shite or My year doesn’t look as successful as [whoever we’re comparing to] and then decides we’re going to take control and crush the rest of the year into submission. That doesn’t mean taking command in areas where we can, especially when we’ve been avoiding or self-neglecting, isn’t beneficial. Still, it’s crucial to know our ‘why’ so we don’t unwittingly drive ourselves with shame or feel extra wounded when despite our best laid plans, life comes along with its own agenda.
Happy Yes
Expressing my anxiety and worries
As my upcoming surgery gets closer, of course, anxiety turned up to hang out with me. I’m someone who, if you tell me all the risks, my brain will latch on to an aspect and replay it as a likely scenario. Noticing the anxiety rippling through my chest got me back into a mindful breathing and mini meditation routine, so I don’t keep jumping on these anxious trains of thought. But the single biggest thing that’s helped is talking about it, including letting it all bubble out of me in my pre-surgery appointment. I’ve asked lots of questions and realised I’d rather repeat myself or ‘sound silly’ than hold it all in.
Minding my own business
2024 had some drama from some unexpected places that triggered my instinct of disappearing by camouflaging into my surroundings and then feeling duty bound to play Peacemaker and Reasonable One to smooth things over. Knowing that this just invites drama and anxiety, and having yet again experienced how much better things are when I mind my own business, when the potential for drama popped up again this month, it was a big fat happy yes to continuing to create this boundary.
I’m a big believer that we have a lot less drama in our lives when we get better at minding our own business and not playing roles like Over-Responsible One, Peacemaker, Helper, Saviour, Listener, Scapegoat and whatnot. Something I’ve long understood about myself is that, aside from having a finely tuned antenna for the potential for drama and reading a room, my childhood taught me to be stoic and reasonable in the face of chaos and someone behaving the opposite of me, which inadvertently overrides my boundaries and wellbeing.
I don’t always need to know what’s going on or the rationale behind someone kicking off. You can be sure I don’t need to be the person people turn to to iron out their drama, a sounding board, or, in some instances, a proxy for the person they can’t or won’t get angry with. I can steady the vague feelings of unease and panic I learned in childhood so that I don’t conflate them with my present. In minding my own business, I get to take really good care of myself.
ON MY RADAR RECENTLY
I really enjoyed Natasha Rothwell’s new series, How To Die Alone (Hulu and Disney+).
We read Percival Everett’s latest, James, for family book club. Wow. As is the way with Percival, I veered between howling laughing and feeling horrified and sad.
The Wedding People by Alison Espach will be my final and 61st read of 2024. Heavy themes dealt with sensitively and with humour.
I will be taking it easy for a while to recover from my surgery, but I’ve actually been quite organised. In the coming weeks, look out for the follow-up to last year’s Lessons from a Year of Low Energy, plus I continue my How I Know Myself series with guests including
, and .Wishing you a very happy new year, and thank you for taking the time to read On Knowing Yourself. It means a lot.
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Loved our conversation for the podcast, Nat. Take care with your recovery x
Great food for thought. Thank you for this. Wishing you a good recovery in YOUR time.