Intentions, Seeking Validation, and a Need to Be "Unspectacularly Ordinary"
Your intentions reveal your people-pleasing style and clues to how to take better care of yourself.
I turn forty-seven in a few days, and it’s safe to say that my forties, thanks to perimenopause, tinnitus, work habits, my father’s death, and breaking up with my mother has been the decade of coming face to face with my limits and how my self-worth and identity were predicated on effort. It’s not feeling good enough and trying to prove, on some level, I’m not “worthless and good-for-nothing” while simultaneously being afraid of failure and success. Yep, messy.
I think a lot about intentions, the ‘why’ behind our actions, thinking and choices because, as a recovering people pleaser, increased self-awareness has shone a light on where I’ve unwittingly chased recognition and validation or avoided being and doing certain things out of fear of inviting failure, judgment or conflict. I’m happiest when I do stuff just because it feels really good to and for me (and I haven’t set my sights on a predetermined outcome or reward). I feel at my worst and know I’ve had some messy [people pleasing] intentions in there when I’m pushing, striving, proving or avoiding in some way.
Here’s a question for you: When the chips are down, life isn’t going how you want or people piss you off, let you down or don’t recognise and validate you, where do your first thoughts tend to go?
How ‘good’ you’ve been and feeling wounded about not being liked or recognised?
How much effort you’ve made and feeling wounded that it wasn’t enough, the best, or that it wasn’t recognised and rewarded? Yep, that’s me 👀
Feeling wounded and a tad resentful that you’re experiencing undesirable outcomes despite the lengths you went to avoid saying or doing certain things?
Your good intentions, how you were just trying to help or do the right thing, and feeling under-appreciated?
Feeling wounded and resentful about getting the shitty end of the stick again and how much suffering you’ve already been through?
Your answer is your signpost for recognising people pleasing’s tentacles in your life and becoming more aware of your intentions.
In The Joy of Saying No, I break down the five styles of people pleasing: gooding, efforting, avoiding, saving and suffering. These styles tell you about what you use to ‘please’ others to feel worthy (being good, effort, avoiding, being needed via helping and rescuing, and self-neglect and being mistreated) and also what drives you (needing to be perceived in a certain way, recognition of what you’ve done, avoiding discomforting others, needing to be needed, proving you’re good enough via suffering). While you might identify with all the styles, possibly at different points of your life or in certain contexts, it’s likely 1 or 2 dominate. Efforting is where it’s at for me, followed by avoiding and gooding.