Listening To Ourselves is Trial and Error

But don't force yourself into unnecessary life lessons!

Several years back, I dealt with someone where, a few months into the project, it became clear we weren’t a fit. It started as a teeny tiny comment that flagged somewhere in the recesses of my mind and then this person did a series of things that unsettled, annoyed and even offended me. On realising they didn’t ‘get’ me and that they were being shady, I decided to sever our relationship… and then hesitated due to a question that speaks to the self-doubt so many of us grapple with:

Do I want to tell this person to jog along because I no longer think we should work together or do I want to opt out of this because I’m avoiding [future] rejection [about this project]?

Annoyingly, it was both. More the former than the latter, but still both, and this created doubt. Rather than trusting that even though fear of rejection was a factor it was no longer right to continue working together, I decided to stick it out and let the chips fall where they may. I effectively set myself the test and the lesson of seeing this situation through and facing the possibility of rejection.

In the ensuing months, although I encouraged myself to be positive and polite, I became apathetic about the project and limited our interactions. On one hand, I could tell myself that I’d become detached from the outcome and, on the other, I knew I was in the ‘brace brace’ position like a passenger on a flight that’s going to crash, except for rejection. I’d put myself into an emotional and mental place that was supposed to put me in a position where I’d suffer the least damage. When the rejection I’d predicted happened, it devastated me… but at least I’d been prepared and seen it coming rather than deluding myself into anticipating a different outcome or even trying to people-please this person into a different ending.

Looking back, I can see how out of alignment my decision was with my values and boundaries and how the situation pushed buttons of old wounds. I liken [what I did ] to a parent forcing their kid to go back into the same untenable situation every day to “build courage and character” without actually addressing the situation or offering real safety and care. Yeah, it was a pretty jacked-up thing I put myself through. I expected too much of myself. And, as always, I know I’m not alone in my experience.

Sometimes it can be really hard to know what to do, even though you genuinely want a solution and to take action.

You know you’re feeling scared, anxious, overwhelmed, hesitant, stressed, frustrated, pissed off, triggered, whatever it might be, and it’s difficult to see the wood for the trees. You might feel guilty and anxious about letting people down. Maybe there’s a loud voice saying one thing, and a quieter voice saying something else. Self-criticism and self-doubt show up, plus you might be so rational that you might not recognise how you’ve essentially turned that on yourself.

You want to trust yourself, but maybe having gone round in circles on this very thing or other past dilemmas, you’re fatigued and distrusting of yourself. You know you’ll think you’ve got the solution, that you know what to do, and maybe throw yourself into it with gusto. Then somewhere along the way, you’ll lose momentum. Maybe you bump up against a hurdle or the reality of what you’re dealing with and how much lies ahead suddenly becomes clear. Perhaps life throws a curveball with another stressor or few so, despite the best of intentions, those become your focus. Cue giving yourself a hard time.

Or maybe you’ve done some self-work and understand your fears and where you’ve self-sabotaged in the past, so you wonder if they’re showing up again. So, for instance, like me, you know you’ve had a pattern of avoiding rejection and abandonment. Next thing, you’re caught between acting on what you know, including intuition and even a gut feeling, and wondering if you’re repeating a pattern and are about to “mess things up” for yourself.

Hell, perhaps you’re doing something questionable but telling yourself that emotionally it seems “right”. I see this a lot with clients who blow up their lives for the shady ex who’s come back into their life or who give the thousandth “second chance” to the friend or family member who keeps hurting them.

It’s crucial to remember that we’re all figuring our way through. Some things feel stickier than others to decide on, and some decisions and the next steps they invite poke at the old pain, fear, guilt and trauma in our emotional baggage. What we have to be open to is body wisdom and evolving our relationship with ourselves.

Here are a few things I’ve learned through trial and error that might help you:

Your feelings (and behaviour) tell you something about the situation and/or your approach.

Even if what you’re doing seems like a “good” thing, if it brings up the people-pleaser feelings (e.g. anxiety, resentment, overwhelm, guilt, frustration, helplessness, powerlessness), you’re either doing it for the wrong reasons or you’re hurting yourself with your approach.

It’s great to be self-aware and also notice where you’re double-binding yourself.

Even if, for instance, you are afraid of rejection or you know you experience anxiety, what is happening in this situation you’re grappling with? Does it align with your values, including how you want to feel and continue feeling and what matters? Are you, by pondering whether you’re self-sabotaging, overriding, dismissing, and ignoring yourself about the main issue?

Don’t play God, a higher power, master of the universe, etc.

You don’t need to force yourself into unnecessary tests just because you want to disprove that you’re self-sabotaging. Good ole Professor Life, as I like to call it, doesn’t need your help, and you’re not behind the controls. Putting yourself through pain to prove a point to yourself is self-sabotage.

Your intuition or gut doesn’t tell you to repeat patterns.

Pay attention when you’re claiming something or someone feels “right” emotionally despite your doing something questionable or problematic. Does the course of action represent a familiar pattern, whether it’s in what you’re doing or your feelings/thinking? If it’s a pattern, these emotions are not guidance from your gut, intuition, wisdom from your higher self or even a healthy habit; it’s trauma and old feelings playing out. You are trying to right the wrongs of the past. What’s the baggage behind this?

Notice which voice is talking you into something.

For instance, I’ve worked with clients who’ve experienced burnout and wrestle with whether it’s time to go back to work or going back to the same job. If the same voice that talked you into, for example, working yourself into the ground, overriding your body’s signals, or rationalising someone’s shady behaviour is the same one telling you to go back to work, that’s not the voice to listen to.

Note where your principles make a rod for your back and pre-empt with better boundaries.

People will say stuff to me like “I always see things through” or “I never back out of something I’ve agreed to.” Okey-dokey👀, but that means you have to be more discerning with your yeses instead of imprisoning you in them.

Acknowledge stuckness and repetition.

Journal about it; talk to yourself and loved ones; enlist support to help you bring further awareness to it. Get curious. What are you trying to avoid? Are you trying to protect yourself from something? What’s the baggage behind your habit?

Litmus test your course of action.

Would you encourage a loved one to take the same approach? Yeah, exactly.

Take care of you!

What I’ve been up to

• I’m looking forward to being a [virtual] guest expert for Annie Dietz’s Personal Space retreat which she's hosting in The Hamptons in October. If you’re in the U.S. (or fancy a jaunt) and are in need of a reset with your relationship work, check it out.

• I’ve almost finished reading A Woman is No Man by Etaf Rum. One of the saddest, unsettling, tender books I’ve ever read. I know I’ll be thinking about it for a long time, which is always a sign with me that I’ve loved a book.

• After encouragement from a couple of pals, I’ve had fun posting to TikTok over the summer. It’s been fun to stretch out of my comfort zone while also not taking it too seriously.

• Thanks for all the lovely messages and notes about the podcast coming back this autumn. I start recording next week, and I’m particularly excited about chatting with my brother.

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