My Idealised Self Wants To... Be a Planner (vol. 2)
The fantasy version of me is a 'planner', someone who takes pleasure in planning ahead and laying out their future. In reality, it turns out my current and future self want a bit of that too.
What type of person would you like to be? Who or what do you think you’re not like? And what can you learn and embrace about yourself through recognition of who you are? In this series, I help you explore this. I’ll talk about who I’d like to be while also sharing what I know about myself. I hope that this is an invitation to be compassionately curious about who you think you are.
[Paid subscribers: An audio version is available when you scroll down to the paid subscriber section, along with What I’ve Learned I Need To Do and three journaling resources.]
We all have an idealised self, the perfect or better-than-our-current-reality version of ourselves that we aspire to be or think we should be, and so give ourselves a hard time about not being it yet (or keep pushing ourselves to become it). Part of knowing ourselves is being more honest about who we are, which means understanding who we’re not without shaming ourselves and also giving us the freedom and flexibility to evolve.
My idealised self wants me to be a planner.
You know, one of those people who’s able to think up, write out, and stick to a plan and who always has goals she’s working towards. I’d be somebody who gets off on planning and, as such, would feel as if she had a greater sense of control and direction over her future. I’d, for example, meal plan for the entire week, hell, the entire month!
On some level, possibly because of messaging I’ve internalised from the media and culture about what makes a “happy” and “successful” person, I believe that if I were a ‘planner’, I’d achieve more.
I’ve struggled with not being someone who has a big-ass plan or a load of goals to pursue. Lots of great things have happened in my life because I’ve fallen into them or been in a relaxed enough space that I’m receptive to opportunities.
I sometimes worry that I’m not “ambitious enough”. At the same time, the same me that struggles with these… is also happiest when I have some plans and goals, but they’re loose, and I’m relaxed.
My idealised self imagines that visualising and having goals you can plot out a plan for is something I should be doing. You should be able to, you know, rattle off your plans whenever anyone asks you, “What’s next?” Side note: this is a question I’ve been asked a lot since my book came out.
“What d’ya wanna do in 3/5/10 years time?” makes me go “I don’t feckin know!”
Is my lack of big, bold plans because I find planning too rigid or navel-gazing for my tastes?
Is it because I’m a creative who likes to fly by the seat of her pants?
Am I just not motivated by or drawn to mapping out my life?
Is some of my relationship with planning about the fear of failure that got bred into me as a child?
Yes to all of these.
Sure, if you don’t put your stake in the planning sand and declare something and then work towards it, you don’t have to deal with the shitty feelings that might come with the disappointment.
While writing this, I did a quick exercise (paid subscribers, I’ve included it below) to uncover what I associate with planning. Four particular associations jumped out:
As a kid, I’d plan a whole load of stuff for when my bro and I would get to see our dad… and then he wouldn’t show up for days. Or, he would but wouldn't want or be able to do things he’d ‘forgotten’ he’d promised.
My mother planned out my life, who I’d be, what I’d be good or brilliant at, and was vocal in her disappointment. I also got into the habit of rebelling against those plans, aka quiet sabotage.
Work-wise, I’ve actually planned a hell of a lot over my fifteen-plus years of self-employment and used to enjoy it. But I went through an extended period of overthinking and making plans that the seemingly wise business advice suggested I should be making, and it lead to hurt, frustration, and burnout.
Given that I’m a [recovering] people pleaser, I’ve been very good at meeting other people’s expectations, and sometimes these have trumped my commitments to myself.
Some people heavily rely on planning to be in control and run their lives like tightly oiled machines.
I’m somebody who learned to rely on the likes of people pleasing, perfectionism and over-responsibility to feel safe and in control in childhood. These were my cackhanded versions of ‘planning’: throw a shedload of effort at something and then feel resentful, disappointed and unworthy when people and life don’t bend to your will as you predicted.
For me, actual planning, not basically trying to Jedi mind trick people, sometimes triggers a sense of feeling out of control. Sometimes, taking things too much to heart, makes me feel like I “messed up” somehow. Like I’m getting things “wrong” or “failing”, even though this isn’t true. Going back to the drawing board can feel dispiriting instead of energising. It’s because I associate effort with outcomes—my people-pleasing style is efforting—so I think I’ve become averse to keep on going like I’m the Energizer Bunny.
The reality is I’m not a ‘planner’ in the way my idealised self wants me to be, and I am also somebody who has plenty of evidence that I do make plans and, of course, have had and achieved (and not achieved) goals.
I don’t know exactly what I want to do in the coming years, and that’s okay. But I do have loose plans based on a vision of how I’d like my life to evolve over the next few years, particularly after our girls go off to uni.
It’s crucial to sanity check your shoulds and ideals because we humans have a tendency to be very all-or-nothing.
I tend to make plans and set goals when life necessitates it.
I’ve tried and failed to plan a whole year, but I can make a plan to get me through a few weeks/months or to a goal. I have to be super mindful, though, of 1) overestimating how much time I have and what can be done within it and 2) juggling too many projects.
For example, to write the first draft of The Joy of Saying No alongside other commitments, I made a three-month plan. I worked through a process via an online course, Make A Plan, Make It Happen, which my friend Josephine Brooks used to run. Her process forced me to confront some of the resistance and distraction that came up for me, and I had to be realistic instead of trying to do All The Things. Lo and behold, I achieved everything on the plan.
Planning when life necessitates it means that it’s also possible that I associate planning with something you do when the doo-doo hits the fan (or when you’re trying to ward it off). I don’t associate planning with being playful or restful, possibly because it means you have to commit and get busy.
Although fear and resistance play a role in avoiding planning some things, I’ve also recognised that sometimes planning doesn’t make sense to my brain.
Sometimes I need to throw myself into something and get on with doing it before I have a sense of how it will take shape. Even if I make a plan, it’s as if my brain treats that like a warm-up and a different part of me kicks into gear once I get my hands dirty.
That said, I can execute a plan someone else has created (e.g. a work project) as long as my brain can make sense of it. I struggle when I get a whiff of BS, or it feels like something’s arbitrary. I will struggle if someone else tries to give me a plan for me. Other people’s so-called blueprints and formulas, even though they can appear to give a sense of structure and direction, often sap my mojo and interest, and cause me to go off track.
I’m learning to surrender.
When I become too attached to a goal, it becomes harder to sense what I need and want because ego and fear show up, and they often sound super logical. My work in progress is finding a happy space between flying by the seat of my pants and going too hard. Part of being a recovering people pleaser and perfectionist is no longer trying to control the uncontrollable. So, I might not be a planner, but I’m learning to trust in life more instead of brown-knuckling it.
I’m ready to evolve my relationship with planning.
It hit me while writing this that if I keep palming off things to my future self, Future Nat will experience overwhelm, anxiety, disillusionment, and frustration. Do it today, plan ahead, or don’t do it at all. I need and desire to think ahead and be more responsible with my bandwidth (time, energy, effort and emotions).
We are not set in stone. My having had a bumpy relationship with planning over the last several years isn’t a permanent statement of the future. I’m a big believer that intentions also dictate outcomes, so some planning will allow me to be more intentional, and that includes being honest about what I want.
While I value freedom, flexibility, being creative, and following what lights me up, I also value some structure and direction. These guardrails create constraints. Rather than these restricting me and being rigid, they’ll help me decide what to park, focus on, and let go of.
Planning will be in service of accomplishing and enjoying what matters and doing less of what doesn’t, not about other people’s ideas of success and productivity. It will allow me to become more of who I really am, so I need to open myself up to figuring out how to plan in ways that work for me.
There will always be a gap between your actual and idealised self.
It’s human, and our needs, desires, expectations, and, yes, sometimes our emotional baggage inform this ideal as well as whether there’s a gap or a gulf.
The key is discerning what’s useful, loving, and genuinely desired in this potential future version of yourself from what isn’t. It’s also showing more appreciation for and reframing what you know about yourself. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, and you can have things you want to grow into while also loving, caring for, trusting, and respecting the person you are now and have been. You’d be amazed how many of us aspire to be someone we don’t really want or even need to be.
Understanding yourself and why you do things in the way that you do them for as long as you’ve done them means that you can take better care of yourself and create healthier boundaries that give you the freedom, safety, and joy to be yourself.
Are you a planner? Do you share some of my struggles? If you have any resources (books, podcasts, etc.) that have helped you, please share!