What's Behind Asking 'Are You Okay?'
And this week's hard pass, happy yes, and food for thought.
Hard Pass: Figuring out everything all by myself
Hands up if you sometimes spend ages brooding about or trying to figure out something only to speak with someone about it and wish you’d had the conversation sooner? Like when I vent to my husband Em and he surmises the issue or makes a spot-on suggestion within a couple of minutes and, shazam, I’m over the whole thing or have a happy solution.
You don’t always know at the outset of grappling with an issue, challenge, or idea that you need to bring someone else into things. There can also be a need to go through your own process and get a sense of where you’re at. The key is recognising your personal signals, whether it’s, for example, how you’re feeling, time elapsed, or recognising overthinking, so you know when to speak up and ask for help.
Happy Yes: Change through uncomplicating things
You may have noticed this newsletter looks different. With help from the wonderful Sarah Fay
, I’ve simplified it by merging the various elements — hard passes, happy yeses, food for thought, recommendations, and my essays — into what will now be one weekly newsletter that will go out each Monday. This change via a shift in perspective feels wonderful and calms my [recovering] perfectionist and overthinker inclinations. For me, simplifying things feels energising and grounding. It’s not unusual to feel hesitant, sometimes downright resistant to seeing and doing things differently, but remember: change is about becoming more, not less, of who you really are.🧠Food for thought on knowing yourself
“…I’m done with letting my mind use fear disguised as practicality in order to override what the rest of me needs.” —
, The month everything I owned implodedWhew! I felt so seen by Emily’s declaration. It’s surprisingly easy, particularly for those of us with over-responsible, people pleasing and perfectionist inclinations to drive our lives based on ‘practicality’. Yeah, I’m hungry, super tired, and feel like I’m teetering on the brink after attending to everyone else’s priorities, but I better keep going because it’s not practical or convenient to take time out for myself. Sure, this work and these chores aren’t going to do themselves! Be mindful of where ‘logic’ overrides your heart, yourself — I explore this in Lessons Learned from a Year of Low Energy.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the intentions behind asking ‘Are you okay?’ ever since watching season 2, episode 6 “Fishes” of The Bear. The episode is a flashback to an intense, volatile family Christmas Eve dinner where siblings Mikey, Carmy and Sugar try their best to navigate their ticking-time bomb mother’s moods.
Despite knowing the question is the trigger and being warned to leave things be, Sugar, compulsively keeps asking her mother, played by Jamie Lee Curtis, if she’s okay, and of course, she erupts. There was so much in this episode that’s familiar to me that, months later, I still think about it at least a few times a week.