Possessions, Patterns, and What I Learned About Myself from Decluttering
Insights from a decade of decluttering frenzies in a quest for 'mindful consumption'.
Over the last decade, I’ve had intense spurts of decluttering, mostly donating items to charity or passing some onto loved ones. During these periods, I’m gripped by a get-this-sh*t-out-of-your-house fever for anything from a few days to several weeks. I’ve felt a sense of having “too much” stuff, which represented where, with the best of intentions no doubt, I’d said yes too much and not enough no, even to myself.
Reading books like Marie Kondo’s ‘The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up’ along with watching her Netflix show ‘Tidying Up’ and other shows like ‘The Minimalists: Less is Now’ undoubtedly influenced my declutterring frenzies. There’s an underlying implication that tidying or getting rid of possessions and living with less will solve your problems or at least make you feel better as a person. By being a more conscious consumer, you can also theoretically do more good in the world by not contributing to the ills of overconsumption, such as the effects on the planet and exploitation.
Work also influenced my decluttering. I notice and read patterns for a living and help people unpack, declutter and tidy up their emotional baggage so they can reclaim themselves. I’m always curious about where patterns are metaphors for other aspects of our lives.
How we do something is how we do other things, even if we’re entirely unaware of it.
What are our possessions and habits trying to tell us?
Is the way we engage with something (e.g. money, food, alcohol, exercise, work, pleasure) representative of that relationship functioning well in our life, or is it pointing to unresolved baggage and a need to shift in awareness and habits?
I figured letting go of anything that didn’t, as Kondo says, “spark joy” would help me appreciate what I own and, hopefully, be intentional about future purchases. I wanted a more mindful relationship with consumption (and money).
So I’d experience these frenzies where I was basically like, “Right, I’m gonna go at this declutterring like gangbusters and rid the entire house of anything surplus in the next month.” Soooooo unrealistic.
I’d fill up bags and pack the boot of the car, sometimes then forgetting to drop off the stuff for a while. I’d gradually run out of steam or get caught up in something else, and there would be an annoying pile or corner that I’d keep telling myself I need to address. Life would take over. Then I’d read (or watch or hear) something else1 and the surge would start again.
So, of course, I got curious about what was happening during and in between these surges.
By reflecting on the patterns but also on what I’ve purchased, held onto, loved, let go of (and sometimes regretted letting go of), I picked up on some key themes that I learned a lot about myself from. Hopefully, what I share might help you understand and know yourself better.
When I make great purchases, I wear, use or appreciate the hell out of them. These items reflect where I’ve really listened to myself. There are some items of clothing that, even if they have a quiet year or so, I’ve owned and loved them for ten to fifteen years. As I am someone who gets longevity out of the things she loves, I don’t need to go on a rampage trying to pare down, for instance, my wardrobe to nothing.
I also buy and read a lot of books. Even if some languish in a pile, I wind up eventually getting around to reading most, even if it takes years. And some I dip in and out of and still get what I need from them.
However… I also have a pattern of owning things I’m less than satisfied with and settled for. I sometimes purchase clothing that looked great when I tried them on the first time but never return to the glory of that moment. Like when you leave the hairdressers all done up and can’t replicate the look ever again. There are also some household items where, despite being initially enamoured with them, they haven’t lived up to my expectations.
When I’m not so into things, I wear or use them a few times and then they languish somewhere or I continue using or wearing these items while feeling so-so about them rather than return/sell/donate/replace and then use the intel from the experience to be more discerning. These experiences remind me of being in unfulfilling, low intimacy relationships with emotionally unavailable men (Mr Unavailables) and family. Or, continuing to do something despite no longer enjoying or needing it.
Most of these items were impulse purchases or ones where, on some level, I felt they’d be great because of the brand. So now I notice when I get that impulse purchase feeling or I’m getting too sucked into the brand and not enough into whether the thing will actually meet my need.
My eyes are bigger than my purchasing stomach. The amount of things I buy because I’ve, often impulsively, decided I need them to do something that I then don’t make the time to do or the occasion doesn’t wind up happening is ridiculous. And this fits into a wider theme of having more ideas than time. Being unrealistic with your time causes you to be unrealistic about your purchases and commitments and what you expect to consume or do.
Sometimes I feel compelled to do (or buy) something because I’m unwittingly buying into society’s idea of what makes an ‘enough’, ‘successful’ and ‘productive’ person. We’re all, to some degree, socialised and conditioned to do this. I do want to, for instance be tidy (and generally am) but I also grew up in a home and culture where cleanliness, laziness versus work ethic, and the like were weaponised and status symbols. I need to be mindful where I’m inadvertently catering to shameful narratives that then provoke conflicting feelings. While I have “too much” of some things, that’s actually not true of everything, so being specific stops it becoming judgment and shame.
Trying to make changes in surges doesn’t work well for me. I think I’m sometimes scratching a proverbial itch with the wrong scratcher. I’m inadvertently avoiding the vulnerability of taking a bit more time instead of engaging in perfectionism and expecting too much of myself. By making myself go slower than I’m comfortable with, I feel more connected to these parts of myself that have felt frustrated by my surges of purchasing, decluttering, or feeling annoyed with my progress. Aligning with my values and how I want to feel instead of what someone else, including my inner critic, is prescribing, also helps. Small consistent steps lead to cumulative change.
Sometimes I do things in a very practical, logical way and this doesn’t take account of my feelings, including, yes, my emotional baggage. It’s not that I (or you) have to self-excavate every time we want to do something but we do stuff habitually because of the feelings, including the baggage behind them, so overriding ourselves instead of gaining even a little insight into what’s driving us isn’t helpful plus it stops us from doing things authentically.
We are not ‘Bad Consumers’ because we buy stuff or because we sometimes change our mind about it or don’t use it. That’s not to say that all of these people who encourage us to declutter our homes or live with less are saying this but it is hard to talk about “tidiness” and “less” without pushing some shame buttons that potentially bring up feelings around “productivity”, “laziness”, deprivation, neglect, “greediness”, and being “spoilt” or “wasteful”, to name but a few. Next thing, we’re trying to perform at our idea of what a Good Person does and calling it a ‘need’ when, actually, it’s just people pleasing in another guise.
Also, if we don’t understand what problem we’re trying to solve in our lives and what’s underneath it, the problem will just manifest in another way even if we go on a declutterring bonanza.
Professor Life, as I like to call it, will present us with opportunities to see what we couldn’t before so that we can know, be more present to, and heal ourselves in areas where sometimes we didn’t even know we needed healing. We’re human! We have stuff going on.
Be aware of your cycles so you can make more mindful choices. Write down what happens, what you tend to think, feel and do so that you can slow down and be present to yourself.
When you experience ‘surges’ (or what might be feeling triggered or anxious or something), check in with yourself. What might you need to voice? Ask yourself, What’s going on here, and what do I really need?’
Compassionately notice the themes of what works well and what doesn’t, and translate this data into better choices and self-care across your life.
It's okay if not everything you own sparks joy, just like not everything you agree to is a “Hell yes.” But being aware of how you feel in general helps you feel good about what you have around you as well as the choices you're making and why. Which brings me neatly to…
Know your ‘why’, the intentions and motivations behind what you’re doing. It’s a game changer!
Be clear on what you’re saying yes and no to when you do something.
Don’t wholesale follow what someone else is doing. Figure out your own way.
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‘The Secret Life of Clutter: Getting clear, letting go and moving on’ by Helen Sanderson, ‘Create Space: Declutter your home to clear your mind’ by Dilly Carter, ‘Declutter: The get-real guide to creating calm from chaos’ by Debora Robertson, ‘Outer Order, Inner Calm: Declutter & Organise to Make More Room for Happiness’ by Gretchen Rubin, and ‘How to Keep House While Drowning’ by K.C. Davis
This sounds so liberating! And yes, trying to prove our worthiness is something we never needed to do in the first place. Buying things to do that won’t make us feel good.
Loved this! Thank you Natalie 💛