February’s Hard Passes and Happy Yeses

This month involved refusing to be gaslighted and taking the decision to distance myself, asking for help, and hosting a big party without taking on too much.

At the end of each month, I'll share some of my hard passes and happy yeses, including a little bit of insight into what's behind them or the aftermath. I hope that it will encourage some of you to share yours too.

This month’s hard pass is a biggie: Engaging with my mother.

A few months back, I happily volunteered to accompany my mother on her February trip to Budapest as support for a tricky dental appointment. On the trip, though, it was a hard pass on forcing myself to operate on low sleep to be a “pleasing” Good Daughter, to being dumped on and silent in the face of inappropriateness, and then to being gaslighted and cussed out on our return. It’s also a hard pass on there being an opportunity for this to happen again. I’m 45, I’m tired, and I refuse, even if in very subtle ways, to be the Good Girl Who Keeps on Trying to Please an Unpleasable Parent. I’m done. Done, do-done, done, done *sang to the tune of Sisqo’s Thong Song*. And in saying no to this and letting go of almost 46 years of this cycle, I’m saying yes to less anxiety and more love, care, trust, respect, and peaceful relationships.

And before anyone says, But it’s your parent!, or, You're being harsh, or, Maybe you haven’t tried the right boundaries yet, halt. In fact, I encourage you to listen to episode 204 of my podcast about estrangement, where I also talk about the Other Mother, you know, the type that doesn't get portrayed on Hallmark cards and in Getty Images. I’ve also talked about the release and relief of giving up on try-ing on episode 121.

Over the last seventeen years, I’ve evolved my boundaries exponentially, and I’m all the happier for it. I also know that even though the frequency of these lashings and outbursts has shrunk, including their impact on me, the fundamental issue remains.

Your boundaries won’t Jedi mind trick people into being different from who they are.

My boundaries forgive my younger self and allow me to move forward with love, care, trust and respect, but they can’t turn no-remorse water into changed-behaviour wine.

To plough on would be dishonest and unfair to both of us. Why keep putting us both in the same position? Hell, why keep putting myself in the same position, even if it’s with much healthier boundaries? What am I? A glutton for punishment? Why ignore the data of experience and say yes to nursing low-level, on-the-quiet anxiety about when she will kick off and how I will get blamed or called a “disappointment” or “disloyal” for having healthy boundaries?

You don’t need to destroy yourself to “prove” your love for someone.

I know I’m not alone in my struggles. So many of us try to rid ourselves of the tension, friction, guilt, resentment, obligation and estrangement that are widely prevalent in familial relationships but that so many of us try to disguise in our attempts to be “good”. We focus so much on our perceptions of "good" that it steals our present and future joy by pretending that things are better than they are.

It’s possible, though, to recognise that things are not okay with certain people and still be okay with yourself. There’s liberation in acknowledging the truth of “We are not okay” or “This is not okay” because then you can choose boundaries instead of gaslighting yourself into making things look “good” by compromising yourself into feeling perpetually disappointed. In accepting whatever level of okay-ness it is, only then can you find inner peace and cultivate a genuine sense of joy and contentment in your life.

If someone keeps breaching your boundaries and doesn’t have a problem with their behaviour (or ever apologise and truly evolve), no amount of effort on your part will change that. Put your effort into continuing to evolve your boundaries and accepting the truth about this person and your relationship with grace.

Other hard passes

Doing things from a place of pressure. I felt a pressure (mostly internal) to say yes to all the things in the name of promoting my book, The Joy of Saying No, but I’ve needed space and rest even though I also have a book out. It’s been great to have empty days in my week and to sleep in.

Treating requests as “urgent”. As a recovering people pleaser, it’s crucial to notice where there’s a tendency to rush to accommodate other people’s needs and wants as if they’re an emergency. For me, this meant scheduling meetings a few weeks down the line instead of rushing to make it happen. It’s also respecting your bandwidth. “Sure, I can do that, but it will be next week (or whenever)”, instead of contorting yourself to accommodate the request.

Buying more art supplies. I don’t need any more right now. Sure, I like the cool paper-cutting class I watched, but how about I wait until I’m actually going to do the project before I buy anything else? I’m already overprepared for projects I haven’t got around to!

Happy Yeses

Hosting my husband’s 50th birthday at the house. Em turned 50 on the 25th, and after much back and forth with himself and a central London venue, he decided to host it at home. Much as I was keen to celebrate him, this decision initially triggered anxiety and overwhelm—organising the house, the cleaning and tidying before and after, the moving parts, the decorating, three trips away (Budapest, Scotland, and Amsterdam) plus work, book, life stuff, and so forth.

But assuming responsibility for all this stuff is the fast track to me sucking the flipping joy out of things. So I said yes to the party and my supporting him, and no to being over-responsible. Em cracked on with the organising, and that gave him a chance to figure out what he needed and communicate that instead of me taking over. The party was brilliant--we had a marquee in our back garden in February with three food trucks, a bar, and a DJ.

Going on national television. It’s been ages since I’ve been on telly, and I honestly felt sick with nerves the couple of days beforehand, but I didn’t let my anxiety dictate my answer or how I showed up. You can watch it here.

Asking for help. I’ve had some really vulnerable conversations this month where it would have been easy to gloss over things and claim “Everything is fine!” It was great to have these conversations without shame about “not being strong”, and they also fostered genuine connection and intimacy.

I’d love to know what you’ve said a hard pass and joyful yes to this month. I will also be sharing more on the topic of difficult family, particularly parental, relationships and knowing yourself, because it’s all too easy to believe untrue things about yourself because the person or people you grew up with keeping telling you about yourself.