This month involved refusing to be gaslighted and taking the decision to distance myself, asking for help, and hosting a big party without taking on too much.
I was raised by The Other mother. She's been gone 10 yrs but the damage she did was permanent & intentional. It's never too late to wake up & distance yourself which I did on a significant birthday year. I don't miss her. At her funeral I had to listen to strangers telling me how wonderful she was. I very graciously imho thanked them for the kind words without adding any of my own. I passed on doing her eulogy. Some 3rd cousin w a need for attention did it in my stead. I nearly howled at the totally fictitious portrait of a sociopath
I feel you. It’s the intentionality of it all that gets you. Children have an inherent sense of how they’re supposed to be treated, so when your mother sometimes treats you like the enemy or like an extension of herself to do with what she pleases, it creates a lot of shame. You wonder why you have a mother that pulls this shit and other people don’t. And then you become an adult and gradually figure out what’s going on. You realise it’s not you but also that there are lots of us who have the Other Mother. Thank you for sharing. I did giggle to myself at the line about your cousin. 🤣🤣 Cheers to freedom.
Oh, I somehow missed your episode on the other mother. I'm going to have to listen to that one. Not so ironically, my break with my own difficult mother came after a trip to Budapest. So sorry and stay brave and strong.
I still love Budapest and return often. I'm in one of those unfortunate situations where my mother feels that I owe her care because she raised me. I'm happy to be a more altruistic parent.
Often I'll share with my therapist something my mother has said/done, which I'll wave away. She always comes back with the question of whether I'd do that with my own son. My answer is always no, and it's an every growing awareness that I wasn't raised with a good enough parent. Which is of course reflected in my romantic relationship choices...
I’m giving a hard pass to my narcissist ex and any drama he tries to stir up. I’m not allowing his threats and aggression to intimidate me anymore. Particularly when it comes to anything involving the children we share. I’ve realized my triggered responses only harm me and my ability to be the best parent I can be for them.
I’m doing my best to allow happy yesses to anything that helps rebuild my self confidence. Lately that has been through art, and exploring my creative side. Also working very hard at self acceptance.
Thanks so much for sharing this. You’re so right about the triggered responses that come from being sucked into his narrative and this idea that he has power over you. He wants you to be scared and to see the effects of it through you engaging with him. A close friend has a very similar situation and, like you, refuses to engage. He has to go through her parent and, of course, he hates that. She’s free though.
I love what you said about saying yes to creative exploration. It’s incredibly restorative and fostering a playful, curious connection with yourself is confidence boost.
Wow, Natalie, that's so difficult. It hurts when our moms can't be kind. WTH?? I never stopped being sort of braced for my mom's next little jab. But it helped to eventually learn that, as you say, all I can do is make sure my side of the street is in order. I couldn't fix her. Now that she's passed away, I still have to deal with something similar from my sister, who is my mom's mini-me. It's about the fine art of not engaging. How to be bland and pleasant but not provide anything for her to latch onto, and not to mind that that's how it is. I'm still working on it!
My hard pass recently isn't about them, though: it's the general self-restraint you describe in your article here where instead of jumping right in with both feet instantly when someone asks me to do something, or I when I simply realize something "could" be done (by me), I ....wait -- whether I say "let me get back to you," or simply don't instantly answer the text. I don't have to instantly answer the text! Wow!
So the hard pass is refusing to answer right away with something that "aims to please." I may eventually say no, or yes, or maybe, but first I'm gonna take my time and think about it. Progress!
Ack, I’m sorry you’re dealing with a version of her via your sister. It’s a work in progress, and you will get there. I find that these dynamics force you to go deep with healthy boundaries because the person’s behaviour pushes you to draw your line in ways you may well feel uncomfortable with but that become your liberation.
I used to feel ashamed of having a mother who treated me the way she did. Like it must be a sign of what horrible, unlovable, worthless person I was. Then I gradually figured out that not only was that not true and that I wasn’t responsible for everything she blamed me for that she didn’t like in her life but that I was also not alone. *Lots* of us have endured the Other Mother.
I love what you shared about the self-restraint. The whole false urgency mentality is a fight-flight response. Taking our time allows us to consider ourselves and to be gentler with our nervous systems.
Thank you Natalie & for all the help you've provided. I've been following you for years. Also I have an older sibling who remembers this loving fantasy childhood that never existed. So I'm on my own. I have to accept they are protecting themselves instead of facing the truth
As a relatively new subscriber of yours, I'm enjoying going back to previous hard passes and happy yeses, so many of them are universal and I resonate with for sure. Thank you for sharing these.
I was raised by The Other mother. She's been gone 10 yrs but the damage she did was permanent & intentional. It's never too late to wake up & distance yourself which I did on a significant birthday year. I don't miss her. At her funeral I had to listen to strangers telling me how wonderful she was. I very graciously imho thanked them for the kind words without adding any of my own. I passed on doing her eulogy. Some 3rd cousin w a need for attention did it in my stead. I nearly howled at the totally fictitious portrait of a sociopath
I feel you. It’s the intentionality of it all that gets you. Children have an inherent sense of how they’re supposed to be treated, so when your mother sometimes treats you like the enemy or like an extension of herself to do with what she pleases, it creates a lot of shame. You wonder why you have a mother that pulls this shit and other people don’t. And then you become an adult and gradually figure out what’s going on. You realise it’s not you but also that there are lots of us who have the Other Mother. Thank you for sharing. I did giggle to myself at the line about your cousin. 🤣🤣 Cheers to freedom.
Oh, I somehow missed your episode on the other mother. I'm going to have to listen to that one. Not so ironically, my break with my own difficult mother came after a trip to Budapest. So sorry and stay brave and strong.
How funny that both of ours happened after a trip to Budapest! I’m sorry you’ve been through this too.
I still love Budapest and return often. I'm in one of those unfortunate situations where my mother feels that I owe her care because she raised me. I'm happy to be a more altruistic parent.
Again, oh so familiar narrative on the whole “owing” them because they raised us. Mega yawn fest. I wouldn't dream of speaking to my girls that way.
Often I'll share with my therapist something my mother has said/done, which I'll wave away. She always comes back with the question of whether I'd do that with my own son. My answer is always no, and it's an every growing awareness that I wasn't raised with a good enough parent. Which is of course reflected in my romantic relationship choices...
I’m giving a hard pass to my narcissist ex and any drama he tries to stir up. I’m not allowing his threats and aggression to intimidate me anymore. Particularly when it comes to anything involving the children we share. I’ve realized my triggered responses only harm me and my ability to be the best parent I can be for them.
I’m doing my best to allow happy yesses to anything that helps rebuild my self confidence. Lately that has been through art, and exploring my creative side. Also working very hard at self acceptance.
Thanks so much for sharing this. You’re so right about the triggered responses that come from being sucked into his narrative and this idea that he has power over you. He wants you to be scared and to see the effects of it through you engaging with him. A close friend has a very similar situation and, like you, refuses to engage. He has to go through her parent and, of course, he hates that. She’s free though.
I love what you said about saying yes to creative exploration. It’s incredibly restorative and fostering a playful, curious connection with yourself is confidence boost.
Wow, Natalie, that's so difficult. It hurts when our moms can't be kind. WTH?? I never stopped being sort of braced for my mom's next little jab. But it helped to eventually learn that, as you say, all I can do is make sure my side of the street is in order. I couldn't fix her. Now that she's passed away, I still have to deal with something similar from my sister, who is my mom's mini-me. It's about the fine art of not engaging. How to be bland and pleasant but not provide anything for her to latch onto, and not to mind that that's how it is. I'm still working on it!
My hard pass recently isn't about them, though: it's the general self-restraint you describe in your article here where instead of jumping right in with both feet instantly when someone asks me to do something, or I when I simply realize something "could" be done (by me), I ....wait -- whether I say "let me get back to you," or simply don't instantly answer the text. I don't have to instantly answer the text! Wow!
So the hard pass is refusing to answer right away with something that "aims to please." I may eventually say no, or yes, or maybe, but first I'm gonna take my time and think about it. Progress!
Ack, I’m sorry you’re dealing with a version of her via your sister. It’s a work in progress, and you will get there. I find that these dynamics force you to go deep with healthy boundaries because the person’s behaviour pushes you to draw your line in ways you may well feel uncomfortable with but that become your liberation.
I used to feel ashamed of having a mother who treated me the way she did. Like it must be a sign of what horrible, unlovable, worthless person I was. Then I gradually figured out that not only was that not true and that I wasn’t responsible for everything she blamed me for that she didn’t like in her life but that I was also not alone. *Lots* of us have endured the Other Mother.
I love what you shared about the self-restraint. The whole false urgency mentality is a fight-flight response. Taking our time allows us to consider ourselves and to be gentler with our nervous systems.
Thanks so much for sharing 🙏🏾
Thank you Natalie & for all the help you've provided. I've been following you for years. Also I have an older sibling who remembers this loving fantasy childhood that never existed. So I'm on my own. I have to accept they are protecting themselves instead of facing the truth
Loved reading this <3
As a relatively new subscriber of yours, I'm enjoying going back to previous hard passes and happy yeses, so many of them are universal and I resonate with for sure. Thank you for sharing these.
You're so welcome, Ashleigh, and I appreciate your support xx