It’s been a while since I’ve shared recommendations, so here goes.
Read: One Day, David Nicholls
This was last month’s family book club read, and I’ll admit I was in that zone I sometimes get into when everyone keeps going on about something so then I don’t feel like reading/watching it. Well, I listened to the audiobook and couldn’t help but enjoy it. For me, One Day isn’t the love story so many people claim it is; it’s the tale of a Mr Unavailable (emotionally unavailable) who’s always in a relationship with Fallback Girls - women he knows he knows he can default to for an ego stroke, attention, etc.
Watch: American Fiction (Prime Video)
Based on Percival Everett’s 2001 novel ‘Erasure’, American Fiction charts the journey of a frustrated Black author who decides to “Black books” under a pen name, only for the book to be a wild success and for the whole thing to mess with his head and relationships. The family dynamics had me wincing and howling with laughter in recognition. Loved it, already planning to watch it again.
Listen: Who’s behind these scammy text messages we’ve all been getting? Search Engine podcast
I heard about this episode on another podcast, and next thing, I’m walking the dog while sometimes open-mouthed in shock. You won’t think about those shady text messages in the same way again, although you will still block and delete. Also, for another shocking tale, check out The Day I Put $50,000 in a Shoe Box and Handed It to a Stranger.
I’ve thought a lot about rejection recently. I suspect it’s because I’ve been stretching outside of my comfort zone and sometimes wrestling with resistance and good ole procrastination. While my relationship with rejection has significantly grown over the last couple of decades, we’ve been through a bumpy journey in recent years and it’s ignited anxieties in areas I used to be confident in. Which is annoying.
I suspect this from last week’s newsletter, “Suddenly, I was aware of what others were doing and it felt like I could and should aspire for more. I veered between wondering if I was too ambitious or not ambitious enough. Am I hiding from my potential? I started to feel a bit lost, behind, not enough.”, played a significant role in my feelings.
What’s shifted things for me recently, though, was acknowledging how avoiding rejection is just another form of being compliant.
Yes, people pleasing. Doing the expected thing. Making ourselves small so as not to offend, discomfort, disturb, or outrage someone else. Using being ‘good’ and ‘effort’ to protect and advance ourselves in what we consider being less risky ways. Reading off of someone else’s script1. Fitting into the boxes and roles people project onto us.
I learned early in life that rejection is part and parcel of being here. Not so much in the genuine sense that sometimes things won’t go your way, that you might get turned down despite your effort, or that you were going to have to reject something or someone. No, it was this sense that I was highly likely to experience rejection because I was experiencing it at home, and I was also told that I’d have to work so much harder because of the colour of my skin. I also, however, learned that if you try really hard, you know, always give things your best, and you don’t make waves, you can control how much rejection you experience.
These two lessons combined formed a destructive pattern: that if you focus on people pleasing and avoid rejecting anything, i.e. saying or showing no and instead being compliant, it’ll all shake down into a good life and limit the amount of rejection (and conflict, criticism, disappointment and loss) you experience. Spoiler alert: this does not work.
Not only did this pattern intensify my fear of rejection in some ways and hide it from me in others, it also taught me to associate effort with outcomes and to be too hard on myself, wreaking havoc on my well-being.
I’m what I refer to as an Efforter, someone whose dominant style of people pleasing is efforting (as opposed to gooding, avoiding, saving, or suffering). I have elements of the others, particularly around a sense of being ‘good’ and avoiding discomforting others, but I’m very much about effort, and jaysus, like any people pleasing, it became a rod for my back.
“Efforting is people pleasing that uses effort, achieving, and perfectionism to create self-worth and earn acceptance and safety. For an Efforter, the primary driver and motivation for their people pleasing is the need to be seen to be making an effort and, whether consciously or not, looking perfect. They derive value and security from their efforts and recognition of their achievements and accomplishments.” - The Joy of Saying No (Harper Horizon/Harper Focus)
I internalised the notion and ethic that the harder you try, the more you work, the more you ‘please’ in the socially sanctioned ways or follow the rules and steps authorities told you to, the more you expect you should experience your desired outcome. I’ve complied with my and other people’s unrealistic expectations, so where’s my reward?
With this mentality, you also expect your efforts to limit rejection, just as other people pleasers expect that being and looking good, avoiding discomforting others, saving others via fixing, helping, rescuing and sacrificing themselves, or suffering for the benefit of others believe they’ll achieve the same.