It's Feedback, Not a Court Order

Some lessons from holding my breath in feedback situations.

I held my breath, and if it weren't for the fact that I wasn't alone, I'd have squeezed my eyes shut and then tentatively peeked out from behind my fingers.

Part of me was screaming, Are you off your head? Oh jaysus, what are you letting yourself in for? I think I'm about to die of mortification. Yeah, dramatic, I know. Another part was rather bemused: You're grand. It's really not a big deal at all. Breathe, Natalie.

You'd be forgiven for thinking that something terrible was happening. No, instead I was braced for solicited feedback. That I get to write this lets you know that mortification didn't take me out. In fact, even though some have left their mark, I've survived all criticisms so far. As my dear friend

karen arthur

and I say in these situations, "Me na dead yet!"

Feedback is information about reactions to what we say or do, our performance, something we create, or how our thinking stacks up in reality.

Sometimes we solicit it, asking for opinions or putting ourselves out there. Other times, it's unsolicited – whether wanted or not.

Feedback can be positive, critical, off base, useful, unconstructive, on point, delusional, shaming, projection, and more.

It will be of no surprise to you, if you've read me for long enough, that I learned to be anxious about criticism in childhood. Sure, that's where we learn most of our ways and then spend our adulthood unlearning the unhelpful ones.

We’re in relationship with everything.

So, like me, you have a relationship with feedback and, in particular, criticism, which is what a lot of us conflate feedback with —- the potential to be judged, critiqued and disapproved of. We tend to see criticism as finding fault, and we want to please.

If you were to get your journal out and write feedback and criticism’ at the top of the page, and then list everything that springs to mind, you’d immediately see your associations, including the baggage informing how you respond today.

To summarise why certain types of feedback make me hold my breath: I associate it with not being 'perfect', that more effort is required, that the person might not like me, and basically disapproval, rejection, and possible failure. While some of those associations are often off base, not all are 'bad'. I need reminders that I'm not and don't have to be perfect, and I want to know where I can do better, even if, initially I'm like “What the?”, and I'm, side-eyeing the person. I do associate feedback with praise too, but in certain contexts, I assume it's a critique first.

I was raised by someone who demanded nothing short of perfection and was very critical of where I fell short, so I learned to associate effort not just with outcomes but with my worthiness. This fuelled self-hatred and an aversion to feedback. Better to not raise my head above the parapet and play it small, or throw 150% effort into something while wrecking my wellbeing. In my mind, these options allowed me to control 'negative' feedback. In reality, I still experienced criticism and felt even more wounded.

Another pitfall was assuming someone who I deemed an authority was 'correct' in their assessment, making me sometimes over-receptive to feedback and criticism so that I wound up not listening to myself.

By my mid-twenties, recognising it wasn't healthy to emotionally respond to bosses, colleagues, and boyfriends as if they were my parent and I was an angry, scared teenager, taught me to distinguish between past and present.

Writing online for over twenty years has also helped – the internet is full of people who feel like their opinions are burning a hole in their pockets. It taught me to respond to feedback in healthier ways without losing my mind.

Still, my default response to feedback in any context where I care about something is to initially hold my breath.

I brace myself for the 'danger' of hearing "Um, what the hell is this?" or basically being told I'm not good enough.

So I remind myself to breathe.

I live by what I've taught many others: it's feedback, not a court order. I (and you) are not obliged to obey feedback in the name of being ‘good’ and ‘compliant’.

Also, criticism is one person's perception of how to do something, not the last word on your worth.

Because I'm aware of my relationship with feedback, I've created more opportunities to receive it. Of course, it has to be boundaried, and I'm learning to be intentional and specific in what I'm seeking. Don't be vague, know your process, and be discerning about who you seek it from.

If you're at the other end and feel like you seek too much feedback, be aware of your 'why' and the need you're trying to meet. What are you pretending not to already know? Where are you not trusting yourself?

In those instances where feedback rubs you the wrong way, try to home in on why. Decipher which aspects of the feedback are useful, and please don’t gaslight yourself. You can have an uncomfortable relationship with criticism and also be attuned to where something doesn’t feel right.

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