January’s Hard Passes and Happy Yeses

January was all about recovering from surgery and having to essentially let myself be a ‘burden’.

At the end of each month, I share some of my hard passes and happy yeses for that month, including insight into what’s behind them or the aftermath. I hope it will encourage some of you to share yours, too.

Me in surgery and recovery mode

Hard Passes

Playing down discomfort

When I started coming around from the general anaesthetic, my first thought was I’m roasting.“Hot”, I croaked. I vaguely remember being comforted and reassured. As I drifted in and out, anxiety and low-level panic crept in. Surely menopause isn’t that quick? I sensed something was wrong, but I didn’t know what, but I also wasn’t going to lie there and dismiss it. So I kept saying “hot”, “feel clammy”, “too hot”, advocating for myself as I drifted in and out.

Initially, they were baffled. Then they realised my chest was drenched. I could hear them debating amongst themselves and calling for a scanning machine to investigate. In and out; no idea of time. And then they were explaining that my heart was racing, that I needed a blood transfusion, and that they were calling my husband.

Four weeks post-surgery, I’m now on my third round of antibiotics because I’ve listened to, instead of dismissing, myself. It’s easy to rationalise that maybe you’re ‘making a big deal out of nothing’ and that your symptoms are ‘normal’, but better to advocate for yourself and be on the safe side.

Side note: I have an episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions about self-advocacy.

Shutting down vulnerability

These last few weeks are the most dependent I can recall myself being in what feels like forever. I was reared to be over-responsible, so I’ve had to restrain the impulse to do things myself so as not to impede my recovery. Yes, I’ve leaned into allowing myself to be taken care of, but it’s also been a masterclass in asking for what I need, voicing expectations and discomfort, and trusting that I don’t need to be in control of everything and that, in turn, the sky won’t fall down.

Honestly, I’ve felt acutely aware of being burdensome, needy, or a nuisance—and these thoughts, concerns, made me really stop and reflect on the baggage behind them and show my younger self that I don’t need to shrink myself to make it minimally taxing for others to take care of me. I also voiced those same thoughts and concerns because I needed people to understand where I was coming from and to help me make things easier for myself. We don’t have to do it all alone, and we do need to know that our loved ones can handle us at our ‘worst’ or with all our needs hanging out!

Side note: In the current episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I talk about almost two years of being broken up with my mother.

Happy Yes

Giving myself time

Over the years, I’ve worked with quite a few clients who’ve experienced burnout who often feel a pressure to ‘get back to normal/work’. To help guide them in making decisions rooted in their wellbeing, I say, If the same voice that’s urging you to go back is the same one that talked you into doing the things that contributed to your burnout, you’re not ready yet.

This week, the same voice that drives people pleasing, perfectionism and panicking started piping up. And I get it; it’s been four weeks, plus I’m self-employed. Panic stations ahoy! But if I make decisions driven by fear and skewed intentions, it creates more problems than it solves. And… breathe.

Aside from being back on antibiotics again and not having the bandwidth to be full throttle, I think I need to give myself time to not just ease back into things but to figure out how I want to show up in this season of my life. Something big needs to change, and before life takes over and sucks me into all the things (right now I can’t drive or lift, which, delightfully, rules out a lot of things), I want to use this time to do a bit of a reset and be extra intentional.

On my radar

Watching old detective favourites: Whenever I’m having a chill weekend, I watch Murder She Wrote and Columbo, so of course I watched these from my hospital bed. But being in recovery mode seems to have fully reignited my childhood love of detective shows, so I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching old favourites like Death on the Nile, Murder on the Orient Express, The Mirror Crack’d, and Agatha Christie’s Poirot.

I also loved: Based on a True Story (delightfully bonkers and also validated my lack of interest in true crime podcasts). Better Things (obsessed and gutted to be nearing the end of the final season). Bump, an Aussie TV series about a teenage schoolgirl who has a surprise baby and the impact on both families, which I’ve been watching with my fifteen-year-old. It’s fantastic (and also fascinating as it’s such a stark contrast to my Jamaican/Irish upbringing).

Honorary mentions also to Interior Design Masters, Little Shop of Horrors, When Harry Met Sally, Golden Girls, and My Wife and Kids, of which the latter two kept me company on the nights of broken sleep.

Books

Hold My Girl by Charlene Carr (Dealt with very tough themes that left me unsure of who to root for.)

All Fours by Miranda July (Lots of folks raving about this book. Great writing, but I found it bemusing and baffling.)

The Rachel Incident by Caroline O’Donaghue (My favourite read, and not just because it was set in Cork, haha.)

Re-read: Everything is Spiritual by Rob Bell and A Year of Nothing by Emma Gannon

Currently reading: Cocaine Cowboys: The Deadly Rise of Ireland’s Drug Lords by Nicola Tallant and The Thursday Murder Club #1 by Richard Osman

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