October's Hard Passes and Happy Yeses

October involved saying yes to major surgery, resisting the lure of complicating things, talking about ‘shameful’ subjects, and hosting a Halloween ‘comeback’ party.

At the end of each month, I share some of my hard passes and happy yeses for that month, including insight into what’s behind them or the aftermath. I hope it will encourage some of you to share yours, too.

Hard passes

Soldiering on and normalising discomfort

After six months of gentle pondering and trusting that the decision would make itself clear to me, I decided that I’m going to have surgery to deal with ongoing health issues. It’ll slow me down for three months and likely put me mostly out of action for a month, so I’ve decided to have the surgery at the beginning of January so I can really lean into hibernation.

Part of what influenced my hesitation about surgery was almost this sense that surgery is only for people who are falling apart. 👀 Like I had to be in excruciating pain all the time or something. Noticing where this belief and conditioning showed up helped me to get grounded and acknowledge that not only is that something I don’t believe in but also how much pain and symptoms I’m grappling with. I can no longer normalise discomfort and settling in any area of my life.

Overcomplicating things

I’m not really a ‘word of the year’ kinda person, but it became clear earlier this year that 2024’s theme is uncomplicating. And, jaysus, it’s been hi-la-rious to notice how much this shows up in what are subtle ways disguised as ‘creativity’, ‘standards’ and ‘my process’ when, in actual fact, it’s, um, perfectionism.

When people point out that something could be simpler, you know it elicits a side-eye, and then I check in with myself about whether there could be a simpler way. Inevitably the answer is yes.

Something I know to be true is that, while I’m not saying they’re easy, creativity, standards, my/your process can and need to feel good. When we hit upon our own internal brick walls of procrastination, resistance, overthinking and just feeling tangled up in all of our ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’, it’s a sign and an opportunity to uncomplicate.

Happy yeses

Hosting a Halloween party

When our daughter asked if she could have a party with fifteen friends during the half term, it was an immediate yes. Despite some of the stresses of getting a teen to think like a party planner and host, never mind the supervising and tidying up, we just felt so grateful to be in that position. This time last year, never mind several months back, it was hard to imagine her hosting a gaggle of hyper pals, and the party felt like a massive acknowledgment of healing, progress, and support.

Taking my inside business outside

Two of the episodes from my recently relaunched podcast The Baggage Reclaim Sessions are with my brother, and it was a mega yes to talking about things that were a major no-no growing up, both culturally and within our family. Hell, they still are now! I never dreamed I’d get to have these conversations, and that hard pass to shame and happy yes to talking about the no-no subjects has been liberating. Its permission to let go of residual shame and distorted stories so we can live in real truth. Listen to Secrets, Lies, and Coming Out (ep 280) and Is There Something About Me? (Ep 281).

ON MY RADAR RECENTLY

• Finished (and loved) Maggie O’Farrell’s The Marriage Portrait. If you’ve read Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés, the tale echoes some of the myth and lessons of the story about Bluebeard.

• Really enjoyed Sally Rooney’s latest, Intermezzo, even though it got off to a slow start (for me). Actually howled laughing in one part at the sheer emotional unavailability and obtuseness, but its portrayal of how familial resentment can build from silence and misunderstandings is brilliant. Side note: I love books set back home in Dublin as it feels like I’m right there.

• Netflix’s ‘Nobody Wants This’. I saw myself and my husband Em in some of the portrayals of conflict and miscommunication in the early stages of a relationship and particularly loved seeing their handling in an emotionally mature and evolving way.

• My pal Genelle being very frank and generous about her relationship with her body and dieting.

• I’m also speaking at Stylist Live on their Work Life stage this Saturday 9th November in central London about why it’s time to cut back on people pleasing.

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