How I Know Myself is a new interview series where I sit down with different people to explore their journey of self-discovery. Sometimes funny, often moving, and always honest, these conversations remind us that knowing yourself isn't a destination but a practice of learning to tune in, show up, and gradually become more of who you really are.
When I decided to do this series, I knew I had to chat with my badass friend Genelle Aldred who always makes me belly laugh and fist pump with her stories of asserting herself. Genelle is a communications and media advisor to senior leaders and also hosts her Repeat That Again Please podcast. A broadcast journalist by trade, she has worked at the BBC/ITV/ITN and still pops up on TV as a newspaper reviewer at Sky News.
Her book Communicate for Change was published in 2021 and she recently released her audiobook, The Confident Mindset: Unlock Self-Belief. She is an Ambassador for the charity SANDS and a keen golfer.
This is a condensed version of our conversation and, for free subscribers, includes the first 10 minutes of the audio. To listen to or watch the full episode, which features accompanying stories and insights from both of us, become a paid subscriber.
KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM OUR CONVERSATION
You don’t have to join in with everything, and when you learn this, it makes boundaries and self-care a lot easier.
Resistance doesn’t have to be a ‘bad’ thing. Certain folks want to box you into a corner so that you say yes, and it’s more than okay to actively resist this by creating healthy boundaries.
Sometimes saying no is tricky when someone has proximity to you but not closeness. You experience their behaviour or the issue firsthand, but the lack of intimacy makes it harder to have a meaningful or productive conversation about it.
Sure, take feedback and, of course, be conscientious in your dealings with others, but don’t turn people’s dislike of your no or your fear of ruffling feathers into your identity and habits.
Know the things, the hard passes, where you say, even if it’s just to yourself, “I am not the one!”
It’s good to check in with some of your habitual yeses (and nos) from time to time to ensure they’re still authentic and right for you.
You don’t only have to do things you’re good at. 👀 It’s okay to be a novice or make slow progress with something even if you’re used to being an overachiever.
Was there a moment in your life that jolted you into realising that you did not know yourself enough or that you weren't embodying what you did know?
I feel like life is that process of becoming and unbecoming. So you become what you think you want to be and then you kind of unbecome as things shift or change. And I think sometimes I have noticed that I'm not embodying the things that I know about myself. And I think that those are the moments when I take stock, when I realise I've been letting something slide or I've let a situation get really big and unmanageable.
I'm not speaking up for myself. I'm not advocating for myself. I feel like my confidence is falling. That's when I know that there's a problem somewhere. It's almost like the lights on your dashboard coming up to say, ‘Warning, you're about to go onto red. You're about to be stuck and stranded somewhere if you don't kind of stop the direction that you’re travelling in'.
What was your role within your family and childhood environment, and how do you think it's affected you in adulthood?
Overachiever. I was always praised for being bright, confident, and capable—qualities that shaped my personality but also made it hard to ask for help. I’ve learned to give so much of myself that I often need time to recharge after interactions.
My older sister taught me to read before I even went to school, so I was already going to be in all those top groups for books. And I think that kind of stayed with me because people [would say] “Isn't she bright? Isn't she clever?” My dad was the pastor of my church and because of the way Pentecostal (and many) churches operate, pastors’ kids (‘PKs’) end up being very much pushed forward to the front. Little five-year-old me was put on a little step to stand up and read from the Bible at big conventions with 5,000 people. Things like that are actually very formative of getting praise.
My other role is middle child. My younger sister's born quite close to me, so we were in the same year at school, so we're almost kind of like twins, but we're not because she is actually still the youngest and I'm still the middle child. So I think a lot of those scenarios collided.
How have you approached saying no?
I don't always use the word no, but I say no a lot. And I think what people misunderstand about saying no is there are various ways to say no that don't always include N-O. You can opt out of doing things, choose to not join in with things. And I actually think for some people, their lives would be better if they just didn't join in in the first place with certain things they don't want to do. And I think that's the first big problem. For me, the ways I say no, sometimes it is no. Sometimes it's just letting people know, don’t talk to me like that. That's my number one thing. I don't like disrespectful people.
In what ways have you had to unlearn people-pleasing habits, and what has that process looked like for you?
My main examples of saying no, a lot of them have been at work where people don't say ‘In order for you to advance here, you're going to have to play ball’. That's kind of the subtext of what's often going on when someone asks you to do something, when someone says your confidence is intimidating or if you could be more like this. And I said to someone, you're not going to police me on how I write my emails. They're professional. And I think it's those things and me saying to someone, “You know, you have this thing that you're so nice. So what am I?” These are the ways that I think you stand up for yourself.
And so my nos often come in the form of resistance. And especially as a woman, especially as a Black woman, people have all these ideas about how you should be, how you should feel about opportunities, what they think is the level of gratefulness that you need to show, what they feel is the level of humility that you need to show, the things you can and can't say about your perceived skill at your role, who you are as a person. I have to tell people, listen, I'm not the one.
Has there been a time when people pleasing has caught up with you?
More in friendships than anything else. You're so intertwined in each other's lives. You're so knowing and understanding of all of the backstory of them that it can be harder to sometimes say no. I've sometimes found it harder, maybe given people a lot more latitude, maybe been a lot more understanding for longer than I maybe should have. And also, because you know this person has lost someone or has lost their job or they're going through a breakup or whatever the scenario, sometimes that makes it hard for when bad behaviour starts to creep in. Or maybe if it's not bad but detrimental behaviour to you, it can be hard because you know what's coming is ‘Well, I've got all this going on and dah, dah, dah, dah, dah.’ So actually those conversations can become really, really tricky.
I'm a very direct person, so I know once I'm clear, it's really clear. So actually, I think sometimes that makes me hold back from saying things to people I care about, because I don't want to hurt their feelings. But what that then can get into is a scenario where I kind of give up on the friendship in a sense, because, actually, I've been giving too much. And now we're at a place where to even have that conversation would be just so wild and ravelling, upsetting, emotional.
“Saying no doesn’t always require the word ‘no.’ Sometimes, it’s about opting out, setting boundaries, or refusing to engage.”
What's something you used to believe about yourself that you now know isn't true?
I used to think sometimes that I don't have things because I didn’t want them enough so I didn't go after it. I don't think that's always true, because there are a few more things outside of our control than we like to think. But I do know that if I do want something, then I probably am going to try and it would be hard for me to not have it.
I try to be a bit more thoughtful about the things I do want. And one thing I'm trying to change is I need to go after things I really want, not the things I think I can access, because that's like a lower level of living.
How has your relationship with energy and time changed as you've gotten to know yourself better?
I'm way more introverted than I ever thought I was. I knew I was. I did that INTJ thing and I was right on the edge of like introvert, extrovert. But I think I'm way more introverted, and I really do find social interactions with people who I'm not close to draining. I find it very energising when I spend time with friends and family, and I think that's something else I learned. I used to think it was time with all people. Actually, it's not. With people I'm close to, I find it very energising, but with people that I'm medium close to or not that close to, I find it really quite tiring.
What's your go-to method for checking in with yourself if you are unsure about something?
I'm trying something new recently, which is to ask myself the question under the question. So if I feel like I don't want to go to this event. Okay, why? Because before I’d just be like, Well, I don't want to go. But actually trying to ask myself the question under the question, Well, what is it about this event that you don't want to go to?, and to understand, Is it the kinds of people that I think are going to be there? Is it because I don't know anybody? Is it because it's far away and I'm tired?, and to understand a bit more about what's going on.
What about other any practices, reminders or questions that you return to to help you stay grounded in your values?
I try to understand when I start to feel troubled about something, like if something is really bothering me. I think that's often the key thing for me. I see something and I just move on, but actually it doesn't leave me. Then I know, okay, this is troubling me in some way, shape or form.
And I've always been quite good at staying true to my values. There's not many things that I really feel opposed to that I will do. But I think it's also just not being pressured. And pressure comes from all kinds of places and all kinds of ways. And it's not always necessarily something that people are doing to you or trying to do to you. It might just be someone asking you a question that to them is innocent, but to you, makes you feel like you then have to do something or be part of something. And so for me, it's just that continual why am I doing this or why am I not doing this? And just if I feel uncomfortable about something, not ignoring it.
How do you navigate relationships differently now that you're more aware of your boundaries?
I think now I give people less chances. If I see something once, I take notice. If I see something twice, if I see something three times, we're not going to survive. And because the age that I am and the age these people are at, we're adults, so this is probably who you are. And so now I'm trying to give less latitude of maybe that they often do know and they're used to people just saying yes about it or going along with it or not stopping them or whatever. And that's absolutely fine. If the people in your life want to live with you like that, that's cool, but it's not going to be me.
What's still challenging for you when it comes to staying true to yourself?
I think mainly it's just if I really don't want to hurt someone's feelings and I think I could cause somebody else harm, then I think that's maybe the challenging thing where I probably tread more carefully. But I think in most things, I just stay true to myself, and all the people whose feathers I've ruffled will tell you the same.
What advice would you give to someone just starting to listen to, care for and know themselves?
Take small steps. You don’t have to go from 0 to 10 and start ‘spraying truth’ everywhere. Practice social filtering—acknowledge your truth but share it thoughtfully, remembering there’s another human on the receiving end.
In my audiobook, The Confident Mindset, I talk about sometimes have that tough conversation with yourself first and then have it with someone else. But I think sometimes we're seeking the solutions in having that tough conversation with the other that we think is doing something to us and, actually, sometimes the way we treat ourselves is equally poor.
What's been the most surprising thing you've learned about yourself?
I'm not all the labels that other people have put on me. Don’t just take on board the things that people say about you because of the way they're experiencing you through their lens. The thing I had to learn about myself is you are not the sum total of the people you've said no to because those people will have you believe that you're the most unreasonable person going.
What does 'knowing yourself' mean to you now versus five years ago?
Five years ago, I would have maybe said yes to more things because it felt like a good opportunity. I live as a practice understanding who I am, what I bring to the table, and that makes me see opportunities extremely differently because really, often what opportunities are asking you to do is just bring your whole self and make them money. It's actually taking and using the gold in you for something. And so when you understand that, then it changes the whole game. I'm the opportunity. My next big opportunity is me.
The Lightning Round
What's your people-pleasing style? Are you a gooder, efforter, avoider, saver, or sufferer?
Efforter. Try hard, work hard, a lot of confidence built on my career.
Recent favorite read, podcast or TV show.
The New CEO by Ty Wiggins. The Baggage Reclaim Sessions. My Brilliant Friend on Sky.
Are you friends with your exes?
Some of them.
What's your go-to happy song or the one you listen to when you're down?
Gospel music. It often has a really uplifting message that everything's going to be all right in the end. Flawless by Beyoncé when I need full-force energy.
What's a particular habit you're working on?
Mindful eating. I’ve realised that sometimes I’m not hungry—I’m seeking comfort. Now, I pause and ask myself what I truly need.
Journaling Prompts: Food for Thought
When have you noticed the ‘dashboard lights’ of your life signalling that you need a course correction?
What’s a small step you’ve taken to prioritise yourself recently?
Connect with Genelle on Instagram | LinkedIn | Blue Sky
To listen to or watch the full episode, which features accompanying stories and insights from both of us, become a paid subscriber.
