How I Know Myself is my series where I sit down with different people to explore their journey of self-discovery. Sometimes funny, often moving, and always honest, these conversations remind us that knowing yourself isn't a destination but a practice of learning to tune in, show up, and gradually become more of who you really are.
KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM OUR CONVERSATION
- Labels and frameworks (like understanding introversion or ADHD) can be empowering rather than limiting.
- Understanding your energy patterns as an introvert means you can still do the activities you enjoy, but plan them in a way that works for you.
- Physical reactions can be powerful guides. Our bodies often know what we want before our analytical minds do.
- When we stop making saying "no" a big deal, it often stops being a big deal for others too.
- What feels like a personal failure ("I'm faddish") might actually be a natural expression of how your brain works.
- An important part of knowing yourself is letting go of assumptions about what others think of you and allowing relationships to be more authentic.
Below is a condensed version of our conversation and, for free subscribers, includes the first 10 minutes of the audio. To listen to or watch the full episode, which features accompanying stories and insights from both of us, become a paid subscriber.
Was there a moment in your life that jolted you into realising that you did not know yourself enough or that you weren't embodying what you did know?
I think it was when I heard Susan Cain's TED talk about introverts and her book Quiet. I learned I'm really quite far down the introvert end of the scale and that I'm not actually as rubbish as I thought I was. I'm not unsociable, I'm not weak because I get exhausted after two hours of shopping.
What do you think your role was growing up and how do you think it’s affected you in adulthood?
I was praised a lot for being the Good Girl. If I was helpful, thoughtful, kind, or toed the line, I was absolutely praised. I was also praised for being mature and responsible and sensible.
I'm the youngest of five children. I was so keen to not be seen as the baby (I was teased a lot) that I went to great lengths to take on responsibility and prove how grown-up I was. This showed up in adulthood when my dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour 17 years ago. I went into full-blown "I will take on all these responsibilities" mode. When my dad died, I had to deal with the fallout of having burnt myself out while also managing the grief.
How have you approached saying no, and is there a memorable experience where you learned to say no effectively?
For the first few decades of my life, I just didn't say it. When I started to learn that it's allowed and possible to say no, I started small with things that didn't feel risky and probably wouldn't offend people.
I began by buying myself time ("Let me think about it" or "I need to check my diary") so I wouldn't have to say the word "no" straight away. Then I could come back with a response when I'd figured out exactly what to say, maybe by email or text, which felt less scary.
What has unlearning people pleasing looked like for you? Can you share a time when it really caught up with you and what you learned?
The biggest place people pleasing affected me was around Christmas. My husband and I would go to four different houses on Christmas Day because our families lived near each other. That worked in my 20s, but as my energy dropped in my 30s, I began to resent it.
I hadn't told anybody besides my husband, but I was leaking bits of resentment and grumpiness because I was exhausted trying to be fine with everything. When we moved to Wales and I turned 40, I finally said we were going to have Christmas Day at home and see family on different days afterward.
We had serious sit-down conversations with both mothers in the summer. It took me years to build up to those conversations. I was so worried about upsetting people. But they were okay with it. They were sad but saw they'd get us for a much longer chunk of time instead of just two hours.
That was such a big no for me, and it felt huge and scary. But it turned out to be a conversation that went okay.
What's been the toughest boundary you've had to set, and how did it change things for you?
Probably that Christmas thing. It's not just our families we had to set that boundary with, but the expectation that Christmas is about families being together. When people ask where we're going for Christmas, I still feel funny saying we're staying home, just the two of us, and then seeing family afterward.
What's something you used to believe about yourself that you now know isn't true?
That I am faddish and have no staying power. I was told that as a child about hobbies because I'd get excited about something, then get bored and drop it. I took this into adulthood with my career - going from 15 years in children's publishing to running a stationery business to becoming a coach.
I'd cringe during interviews about my journey, thinking people would think, "God, she's faddish." But when I've shared this fear, people have always said, "No, that's interesting that you followed your heart."
I'm still learning to let go of this belief, especially since being diagnosed with ADHD [in 2024]. Now I realise it's how my brain functions—to be endlessly curious.
How has your relationship with energy and time changed as you've gotten to know yourself better?
I understand it better and do much less comparison. When I was younger, I'd try to keep up with extroverted friends, wondering What's my problem? when I couldn't.
Now I realise it's not a ‘failing’ to have different energy levels. My energy works differently and is drained by things that might not drain others. Understanding this means I can still do what I want or need to, but plan better. I can take time out during events or just sit back quietly. I don't have to lead the conversation or be in the thick of things. This has improved my enjoyment of life.
What's your go-to method for checking in with yourself when you're unsure about something?
I have a couple of ways. First, I journal—just a brain dump where I might figure something out through writing.
The other way is getting quiet in my head, maybe through meditation. Then I'll ask myself about the thing I'm unsure of and notice my physical reaction. I might say, "I'm going to go to that place," and tune into my body. Do I feel an uplift or boost of energy? Or do I feel tightening, shoulders dropping, or a sinking feeling?
Our bodies often know what we want better than our brains. Saying a statement and observing the gut reaction can be very telling.
Are there any practices, reminders, or questions you return to that help you stay grounded in your values?
I have a piece of paper stuck to my lamp listing my values, so I can see them anytime I'm in my study. I'll ask myself: Does this give me joy? Is this going to help me provide joy for others? Am I being compassionate here, not just with others but with myself?
How do you navigate relationships differently now that you're more aware of your boundaries?
I try to allow people to be themselves without putting my own thoughts and assumptions on them. I've mentioned several times during this conversation about wondering what people might think of me. I'm trying not to do that, trying to let others have their own thoughts and feelings without assuming what they are or trying to be responsible for them.
By doing this, our relationship is more equal because I'm not trying to second-guess them or anticipate and change how I am based on what they could be thinking or feeling. This creates an openness and easiness because I'm not trying to manage the relationship in that way.
What advice would you give to someone just starting to listen to, care for, and know themselves?
Go gently and get support with it. That doesn't have to be a coach or professional; it can be somebody you feel close to who understands you. Talk about how you're feeling, what you're wrestling with, or trying to figure out. This is tricky stuff to do, and we don't need to do it alone.
What's been the most surprising thing you've learned about yourself?
That I have been living with ADHD for nearly fifty years without having the faintest idea about it.
What does knowing yourself mean to you now versus five years ago?
It means excitement because every time I discover something new about myself, I find it quite exciting. Not just because my ADHD brain likes new things, but because it's like a little bit of the puzzle gets unlocked. The more I know myself, the more I can be myself. I can let go of stories I've carried and learn how to better be not just myself, but how I want to approach life, relate to others, and do my work.
The Lightning Round
What's your people-pleasing style? Are you a gooder, efforter, avoider, saver, or sufferer?
Avoiding.
Do you have a recent favorite read, podcast, or TV show?
TV show: Lego Masters Australia. The creativity of people with Lego is incredible, and the host is really funny.
Podcast: I've been listening to The Archers for ages, a radio soap opera set in the countryside. It's brilliant and only 11 minutes long.
Book: The Lost Bookshop by E.V. Woods. Brilliant, lovely fiction.
Are you friends with your exes?
I haven't had an ex for 25 years. I was friends with a couple of them, but years go by and you drift apart. I wasn't friends with others.
What's your go-to happy song?
It varies - I have quite a lot of them. I love some cheesy 80s pop. At the moment, I can't get enough of Lizzo's album.
What's a particular habit you're working on?
I really want to figure out how I can exercise in a way that I enjoy. I can't get into exercise apart from walking the dog, which is still good, but I want to do more. I want to have a strong body and do strength training, but I cannot find a way to get into it. So any ideas for an easy way that will be joyful - I'm all for it!
Connect with Gabrielle: The Quiet ADHD Club (Substack) | website | Instagram | The Haven newsletter (Substack)
To listen to or watch the full episode, which features accompanying stories and insights from both of us, plus journaling prompts, become a paid subscriber.
