How I Know Myself is a new interview series where I sit down with different people to explore their journey of self-discovery. Sometimes funny, often moving, and always honest, these conversations remind us that knowing yourself isn't a destination but a practice of learning to tune in, show up, and gradually become more of who you really are.
I connected with career and life design coach
a few years back through our mutual friend and became fascinated with her creative approach to figuring out what we want and learning from what might be the fallout from chasing things too hard or experiencing procrastination, disappointment, or temporary satisfaction.Selina is the author of Burnt Out:The exhausted person's six-step guide to thriving in a fast-paced world and creator of the popular Goodbye, Hello journal, which I know so many people, including myself, have used to ease themselves into the new year and get a sense of their intentions, hopes and dreams for the future.
Below is a condensed version of our conversation and, for free subscribers, includes the first 10 minutes of the audio. To listen to or watch the full episode, which features accompanying stories and insights from both of us, become a paid subscriber.
KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM OUR CONVERSATION
We discover who we are by discovering who we’re not. Breaking away from an abusive relationship wound up serving as the powerful catalyst for reconnecting with and being herself.
Keep it real with yourself about your proverbial kryptonite and warning signs. Selina knows she has to be mindful of narcissistically inclined folk.
You don’t have to figure everything out yourself. Yes, harness your intuition, listen to yourself, journal, etc., and also know when to speak to others about when something’s weighing on you.
It’s vital to recognise how key childhood experiences, even if the grown-up “meant well”, influence the patterns in your life and why, for instance, you might not listen to and take care of yourself in certain contexts.
Anxiety and what we dismiss as "being too sensitive" are often our body and emotions trying to alert us to boundary violations.
What we don’t express finds others ways to manifest itself. Physical symptoms (digestive issues, headaches) may be how our bodies express emotions we've been conditioned not to feel or express.
Managing our energy, not just our time, is crucial for authentic living and preventing burnout.
Sometimes who we really are (like Selina's "naughty" side) is the opposite of the role we learned to play.
Was there a moment in your life that jolted you into realising that you did not know yourself enough or that you weren't embodying what you did know?
I got myself tangled up in a very psychologically abusive relationship in my late twenties. There's a tarot card of the fool skipping along, with this little dog yapping at his feet saying "Watch out". But the fool has a smile on his face, not realising he's about to skip over a cliff edge. I remember seeing [that card] shortly after I had burnt to ashes out of this relationship and I was like, that was me. On reflection, the first time I met him, I had such a strong body reaction of This is a bad person, I need to get far away. But I ignored it. I came out of it so psychologically bruised and battered, thinking, I have no idea who I am, and I can't trust myself anymore.
What do you think your role was and how do you think it's affected you in adulthood?
I was the Good Girl all the way through my education, even though I felt suffocated by school. I always told myself, Once you finish education then you'll be free. And then I got into the world of work and realised it was all the same - having to do what I was told, sit at a desk, be in at a certain time - I was done. I'm done with being the good girl, I thought. It's time to rebel.
[My other role],at a very young age, I also absorbed people's emotions and felt it was my job to fix them, to do the healing they weren't doing. If someone needed a punch bag to take out their anger on, I unwittingly became that for them. I did this from the earliest age in the school playground, and though I think I'm over it, it still shapeshifts and shows up in new ways.
Was there a specific moment or experience that made you oh-so aware of where you were being inauthentic, including holding back or ignoring needs and busting your boundaries?
Recently with a friend, I was becoming so anxious and felt so powerless and trapped, it became unbearable. I needed to address it head on with the person. I was just like, I don't want to step into the new year not addressing this. And so my way of addressing it was to go, okay, I need to go and actually see someone about this so I can just figure out what my part is in this. In doing that, I was able to see what was at play and regain my power. Take the drama out, stop trying to ‘win’.
Would you say that noticing those signs, is that one of the ways that you've been unlearning people pleasing habits?
I've started listening to my emotional response. If there's sudden anxiety, address it head on. This isn't just a ‘sensitivity' that needs to be ‘managed’. I say I suffer from anxiety, but then I'm like, Do you? Or do you just constantly step over your own boundaries and the anxiety is the thing going? Hello?
Can you share a time when people pleasing really caught up with you? What did you learn?
The desire to people-please had me accept shitty behaviour from someone because they were going through a tough time. It mirrors my childhood - when friends would make nasty remarks and I'd cry to my mum, she'd say, "She's going through a really tough time." I get that mum was trying to help me understand, but it reinforced the idea that if someone's going through a tough time, you have to forget your own feelings.
So the catching up with me was just the impact it was having and also the obsessiveness of thinking about it. So much energy got spent trying to understand why they were doing it and what I could do to change the situation.
Were there people or situations in your life that made creating healthy boundaries especially challenging? How did you handle it?
Growing up there was just a lot of "Oh, well, they're going through a tough time" and then, as a teenager, "You're being oversensitive. You take everything to heart" from my family. My childhood and teen years were definitely my unhappiest. Being the Good Girl, being told to swallow down my feelings, not having a safe space to express how I felt - my emotions had to go somewhere, so I had illnesses instead: stomach issues, headaches, all of that stuff.
The self-loathing I wrote about at 16, 17, the lack of value - strangely, a lot of that was healed when I had it mirrored back to me in that destructive relationship. When I came out the other side, something in me went, "No. You know what? No, I am lovable. I'm not disgusting." From that moment, I started on a path of real healing and getting to know myself.
What's been the toughest 'no' you've had to say, and how did it change things for you?
One of the toughest nos was when I walked away from an entire group of friends in my early thirties. I'd come out of that very abusive relationship - some might say jumped from the frying pan into the fire. I hadn't liked them, but they were there, arms open. "Come on in. You've come from this awful relationship, but we'll take you in."
I was hiking with friends in America, and we were talking about [that group of friends] when I drew this circle in the dirt around me and said, "From now on, I am not going to let people into the circle unless they are here to show me love and respect." I completely walked away and stopped all communication. I'm so glad I did. It was one of the best things I could have done for my self-esteem and to honour myself. It was a big part of me reclaiming my friendship with myself.
What's something you used to believe about yourself that you now know isn't true?
That I'm overly sensitive. I was told that so people could get away with putting their shit on me and being passive aggressive. When I had a very justified emotional response, I was told that I was the problem and oversensitive.
How has your relationship with energy and time changed as you've gotten to know yourself better?
I wrote a book called Burnt Out, exploring why so many people burn out and what we can do about it. During my research, I stumbled across Tony Schwartz's article Manage Your Energy, Not Your Time, and I felt tingles in my back reading it. This was the key - learning to manage your energy and recognise that as human beings, we are not machines. If we're feeling tired or stressed, don't just push on through. Learning to manage my own energy has been such a huge journey and made such a difference to my life
What’s your go-to method for checking in with yourself when you're unsure about something?
One thing I do is take myself off for a walk when there's a lot of inner turmoil. I picture different parts of myself, with a wise guide facilitating. Sometimes it's the angry witch saying "I will destroy them," or another part that's crying and unhappy. With work stuff, there's my drive who's determined to make things work no matter what. I let all these different parts express themselves without judgment, asking why they're upset or angry. Being visual, this really works for me.
Are there any practices, reminders, or questions you return to that help you stay grounded in your values?
When it comes to work, a real grounding principle for me is making sure I'm having fun and that it feels good. I hope to be working for a very long time because I love my work (also, I don't have a pension!). To do that in a way that nourishes me and brings joy, I have to be doing things that fill me up.
How do you navigate relationships differently now that you're more aware of your boundaries?
Very recently, my new mantra is address it. Don't leave stuff in the air. The other day, someone told me three people were disappointed I hadn't done something, and I literally went, "Oh no, I'm not having that shit." I messaged each person directly: "I hear you're upset about this. I'm really sorry if that's the case." One said they were just being silly, another was glad I reached out because they thought I didn't like them. I'm glad we cleared it up.
What's challenging for you when it comes to staying true to yourself?
That deep-rooted programming. I'm drawn to narcissists, people with that narcissistic style of operating in the world, like bees to the honeypot. That's always going to be there, so I just have to keep bringing awareness to my interactions and how I'm responding.
What advice would you give to someone who is just starting to listen to, care for, and know themselves?
To not give yourself a hard time for not having done it before. I remember someone saying, "I forgive myself for not knowing how to take care of myself" - I love that. What gorgeous self-compassion. We have to forgive ourselves for all the ways we neglected and abandoned ourselves, not turn the realisation into another stick to beat ourselves with.
What's been the most surprising thing you've learned about yourself?
Even though I was always (and still) playing the good girl, I’m not. I also really like to be naughty. And I think this surprises me because I still identify with the good girl. I enjoy breaking the rules and not doing what I've been told. Who knew?
What does knowing yourself mean to you now versus five years ago?
Five years ago, I still had such big lofty ambitions with my work. Thank God for Emma Gannon's book, The Success Myth, and just that so many of my big lofty ambitions just fell absolutely flat on their face. I was so tied up in being indoctrinated by the 'girl boss' mentality, what it meant to be a successful business owner, coach, entrepreneur. Now I know that stuff wouldn't suit me at all. Work Selina would be like, you wouldn't enjoy getting to that level and maintaining it.
The Lightning Round
What's your people-pleasing style? Are you a gooder, efforter, avoider, saver, or sufferer?
Saver. I'll save you. I'll rescue you. I'll do whatever is needed.
Do you have a recent favourite read, podcast, or TV show?
Bad Sisters (Apple TV+).
Women Who Work Too Much by Tamu Thomas and The Success Myth by Emma Gannon.
Are you friends with your exes?
No! Work Selena, probably would be. But I am not a bigger person yet.
Do you have a go-to happy song or oneyou tend to listen to when you're down?
Alanis Morissette. It takes me back to feeling all of those feelings as a teenager and feeling so alone and teenage angst. I'm not oversensitive; I'm an emotional person, and I'm here to feel my feelings, and Alanis just lets me do that.
What's a particular habit you're working on?
Buying only second hand clothes. I am completely addicted to Vinted.
Connect with Selina: newsletter (Substack) | website | Instagram
To listen to or watch the full episode, which features accompanying stories and insights from both of us, plus journaling prompts, become a paid subscriber.
