How I Know Myself is my series where I sit down with different people to explore their journey of self-discovery. Sometimes funny, often moving, and always honest, these conversations remind us that knowing yourself isn't a destination but a practice of learning to tune in, show up, and gradually become more of who you really are.
My multi-faceted friend, Nicola Rae-Wickham is a career and life coach who also does a lot of work around supervising and training other coaches. Even though we’re navigating very different things, we have so much synergy. Aside from her being one of my most favourite and trusted people for counsel and insight, I also wanted to chat with her for this series because she made a decision (divorce) that upended her world view and habits, including people pleasing.
Below is a condensed version of our conversation and, for free subscribers, includes the first 10 minutes of the audio. To listen to or watch the full episode, which features accompanying stories and insights from both of us, become a paid subscriber.
KEY TAKEAWAYS FROM OUR CONVERSATION
Divorce dismantles more than just a relationship, affecting every area of your life, but it can liberate you into a truer version of yourself.
You don’t have to know everything about yourself to move forward. Life is about continuous learning and unlearning—there’s no one final version of ‘knowing yourself.’
Authenticity starts with self-trust. Nicola realised she was more herself in her work than in her closest relationships, prompting her to re-evaluate what authenticity meant to her.
Saying no is a practice, not a one-time decision. Trusting yourself makes it easier, but having a support system that challenges you in a healthy way is invaluable.
Was there a moment in your life that jolted you into realising that you did not know yourself enough or that you weren't embodying what you did know?
The biggest and most recent was making the decision to get divorced. That was the point where I thought, what I've known to be true doesn't feel quite right. A version of myself I’d lived with wasn’t fitting anymore—it never really had—but it was becoming undeniable.
What do you think your role was growing up and how do you think it’s affected you in adulthood?
To be the good girl. To be very compliant and to be the product of all the hard work and sacrifice. I felt an acute desire not to be a burden. I've always been very intuitive—reading the room, reading people’s energy, and wanting to make sure everything was okay.
Was there a specific moment or experience that made you aware of being inauthentic, including holding back or ignoring your needs and busting your boundaries?
Starting my business was one of the biggest personal development journeys of my life. In my work, I was being affirmed, celebrated, and validated for being myself, and I realized I didn’t really know what authentic felt like before that.
I’d go to events and think, These people know more about me than the biggest relationship in my life does. I’d get to my front door and unconsciously switch that version of me off because, in that house, it wasn’t acceptable. My work was the first place I got to show who I was and be accepted for it.
How have you approached saying ‘no’?
Saying no is a moment-by-moment thing. When I trust myself, it's an easy no or an easy yes. But some scenarios still feel more difficult, and I’m grateful for the support system around me that helps me check in and question what’s true.
Saying no has also become easier in terms of meeting my needs. Before, I might have just gone along with things. Now, I think, No, I don’t fancy that.
Do you have a moment when people pleasing caught up with you, and what did you learn from it?
It wasn’t one specific moment—it was a culmination of a lifetime of people-pleasing. I had been ticking the boxes of success that were given to me—societally, culturally, familially—but none of it made me happy. That was when I realised I’d been living by other people’s expectations rather than my own.
What’s something you used to believe about yourself that you now know isn’t true?
I used to believe I was too much—too sensitive, too emotional, too soft, that people didn’t really get me. But now I see all of those things as my superpowers. They’re what make me good at what I do and who I am.
How has your relationship with energy and time changed as you’ve gotten to know yourself better?
Now, I think more in terms of energy than time. I borrowed the idea of "spoons" from the chronic illness community—waking up and asking, How many metaphorical spoons do I have today? Then I assess how much energy each task or interaction will take.
Some things are easy because they light me up, while others require more energy. Managing my energy this way has been a game-changer.
What’s your go-to method for checking in with yourself when you’re unsure about something?
Journaling. It helps me unravel my thoughts and see what’s really going on. Talking to friends who reflect things back to me is also powerful—it’s often not even about their response, but the process of getting my thoughts out.
Are there any practices, reminders, or questions that help you stay grounded in your values?
My values are always present—I even have them as my laptop screensaver. I check in often, asking, How am I living into them? How are they showing up for me?
If things feel off, I put my values over the situation like a lens and ask, What does this tell me? If I feel disconnected, I remind myself that connection is my highest value, and that alone can shift my energy.
How do you navigate relationships differently now that you’re more aware of your boundaries?
I tune into how I feel around a person. I ignored that for a long time, but now I ask: Who do I get to be around this person? That tells me whether the relationship is good for me and whether I can exist in it with my boundaries intact.
Is there anything that’s still challenging for you when it comes to staying true to yourself?
I'm still on a journey of learning to trust myself—sometimes that wavers. What helps is reminding myself: I make good decisions. I can repair. I’m resourceful and can figure things out.
What advice would you give to someone just starting to listen to, care for, and know themselves?
Go gently. Have compassion for each version of yourself. Don’t put the pressure on yourself to become the "perfect" version of who you think you should be.
What’s the most surprising thing you’ve learned about yourself?
I’m more playful than I thought I was. More fun. Around certain people, I’m actually funnier than I expected. I used to just laugh at my own jokes, but now I actually say them out loud.
What does knowing yourself mean to you now versus five years ago?
Now, it means I get to live a life that’s truly mine—every day is a learning and unlearning. Before, it meant this is what success looks like, this is where you’re going. There was a layer of perfectionism over it. Now, it’s more about being present in who I am.
The Lightning Round
What's your people-pleasing style? Are you a gooder, efforter, avoider, saver, or sufferer?
Gooding, with a bit of saving.
Recent favorite read, podcast, or TV show?
Shrinking (Apple TV+). She’s right. I devoured both series and absolutely loved it.
Are you friends with your exes?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What’s your go-to happy song?
Beverley Knight’s Made It Back, featuring Redman.
What’s a particular habit you’re working on?
Drinking more water.
Connect with Nicola: website | Instagram | newsletter (Substack)
To listen to or watch the full episode, which features accompanying stories and insights from both of us, plus journaling prompts, become a paid subscriber.
